Missing PJ is on all of our minds these days. Sometimes it's helpful to put our thoughts and feelings into writing, so that's the purpose of this blog posting.
If you would like to send PJ a message, here's your chance. Feel free to post as an "anonymous" user if you like. We're not sure if they have "high" speed Internet in Heaven, but we are sure that PJ will get your message!
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201 comments:
1 – 200 of 201 Newer› Newest»Hey, PJ...it's Thursday and you've been gone 4 weeks, now. Seems like you should be calling anytime. Surely do miss you - but I know you're having a GREAT time making "Godly" music. Don't forget to check in now and then...
My Dear Nephew!
Yesterday I sat in my meeting and met a young man your age, with struggles that you had been facing.
I truly believe somehow, that you gave me the right words and strength to let this young man know how hope and love and strength can guide him.
You struggled, but as your dear mom said, "you are truly a hero!" Because of your courage, I AM STRONGER TODAY, and I believe others can be as well.
I AM BLESSED TO HAVE YOU AS MY NEPHEW HERE ON EARTH, AND AS MY GUARDIAN ANGEL!
You will not be forgotten and will ALWAYS BE LOVED!
Just about everyday I meet people who knew you. They feel like you were really THERE for them. You were so amazing - I guess I wonder how you can make such a wonderful impression on people and be in such pain. Just like your name - you are a gift from God. I will love you and miss you always.
PJ-
I hate Thursdays! Especially because my brain automatically has been keeping track of how long you've been gone now - 5 weeks. If it was possible I'd want a million Wednesdays starting 4/28 so we could hang out together like we all used to. I miss you so much and you just seem to drift into my thoughts all the time. I hope you know how much I love you.
Hey "Peed",
It's Mothers Day next Sunday. I was just sitting here on the computer looking at your pictures and crying. I get maybe two or three words in then have to stop and wipe, otherwise the spelling will be way off. Grandma and I talk about you every Tuesday nite. She is a strong woman and misses you. When she see's you next she has some serious questions for you so I'd suggest working on some answers to explain yourself. Gotta go get ready for church so I'll write to you later.
Love.......
Time keeps going by, and now you get to greet the next member of our family. Uncle Art always thought you were a "little rascal." I'm sure he's glad to see your special smile. Hey, watch over Cyndie as she drives off in your truck - I know that's what you would want! Hopefully she'll stear clear of sidewalks and palm trees. Love you.
Tears In Heaven
by Eric Clapton and Will Jennings
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.
Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.
Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.
So, I ruined my hand with a sledge hammer yesterday- and heard you saying, "why are you doing that, anyway!" I feel you all around me, but miss you so much. You don't know how many times I forget and just about pick up the phone to call you and tell you about something that I just saw or heard. That's when I miss you most! Love you!!
You missed it...you really did. Your dad singing - well, sort of yelling more like, at Cyndie's grad party...Rusty played some of your music, too. Sami sang and then she cried because she really misses you and wishes you were here! Cyndie and Katie sang a few bars - along with David - "if he had a million dollars"...HA Little Andy was jumping in the pool right where you cracked your head open, only he went in feet first! Hope you were smiling tonight-because you sure weren't far from my thoughts! Love you.
Well PJ, tomorrow will be two months since you moved on from this world and 64 days since we last spoke and saw each other. The people I speak to say it's not getting any easier and I agree with them. While I don't open up and start crying at the drop of a hat, I still can, usually after I have one of my one way conversations with you. Sometimes they are not a lot different than the ones we used to have where I seemed to do all the talking, trying to explain away things in both of our lives.
I don't know how people go on and live the rest of their lives...... after the loss of a child. Ok you were no child at the time of your death but you will always remain one to me. All of us will go on and we'll all age but those same pictures I look at now will be all I have to look at for the rest of my life..... Yeah Yeah I know just as I always said and still do.... Life's not fair.
OK time to move on.. I love YOU!!
Well Paul, it has been two months. Two months exactly and I of course cannot sleep. I used to call you on nights like this. Ha, I still do and your mom is probably going crazy with all the blank voicemails. It is hard not hearing your voice and talking to you on the phone at least five times a day...I miss those nights when we would just sit on the phone, me doing homework (typical) and you watching some show on the discovery channel. We didn't even talk most of the time, but we didn't need to. We knew each other inside and out.
The other day I was going through some notes that I kept from eighth grade. All the notes I got from other people sound exactly the same. "Do you like Paul? Everyone thinks that because you and him are always together laughing and you guys look like you are going out. A rumor is going around that you two like each other. Do you?" (Thanks Nathan). We were always together since 8th grade and I know we always will be. It is funny looking back and seeing how our little crushes developed into the love we had a few months ago.
Well I guess I should try to end this novel, but with a BA in English what else can you expect?
I'll talk to you soon!
oky doky poky little Paul!
Hey PJ,
sooo sad, I wish I had been wrong friend. You were just one of those special people that touched people's lives. You left a lasting impression on so many, I know your job in heaven is important because your job on earth was, the message you left us with will stay with me forever. I will always remember your smile and your laugh. God Bless! We will meet again!
There are a few things I never really thought about hating until you left.
* Thursdays
* number 29
I'm glad I'm not the only one who calls your cell phone to hear your voice. I know it's on the website but that doesn't help when I'm in the car! All of the sudden something will happen that I want to tell you about and then I realize that you're not just a phone call away like before. I changed cell phones and had to reprogram all my phone numbers. I HAD to add your number...it just didn't feel right not to.
I hate that you're not here joining us for all the big events going on- Cyn's bday, Errns graduation, mom's day, Cyn's graduation.
Life has become a constant game of- before you were gone and after- something comes up and I find myself saying, "Oh, that was when PJ was still here." or "That's after PJ died." I can't stop keeping track of the Thursdays and how long you've been gone. I hope you're realizing now what we talked about so many times before- don't say you wish it was over b/c there are so many people who will miss you and be so upset. Hmmm...I guess I was right after all! :)
I saw Frank Johnson the other day when I was leaving dinner. He was picking up a to-go order. Remember when we went to the sun's game Christmas day waaayyy back when! We tried to get autographs but couldn't. The only one we got was Al McCoy- hah! We thought the game was so boring- not at all like tv!
I am so sorry.
PJ:
I'm thinking of you today. Went to Cyndie's party last weekend. I kissed Katie and Cyndie goodbye when I left ... then realized there was someone missing ... YOU! You are in my thoughts almost every day. I too, hate Thursdays and 29 ... but I love knowing you're not that far away, and when I need to I just talk to you. Love you ... miss you so much!
Well Mr. Mudd,
you finally got your wish. After more than 10 years on a two wheeler I am moving off motors! It looks like within the month I will be working commercial trucks from a pick-up or a Tahoe. Air conditioning, a computer,.........ha ha ha ha..... That's the only way I can show that I am laughing I guess. The reason I'm laughing is that I just had a thought that was very funny.. at least to me and I'll let you in on the joke. In my mind, as I typed in "air conditioning and computer" i thought to myself "I'll be in heaven". then thought to myself DUH... you (PJ)are the one in heaven! OK OK I thought it was funny.... no one else is laughing....
I asked Katie and David to make me some more copies of your DVD. I want to send some to folks back east in Kentucky and some people here. I've just about worn my copy out.
Katie, Cyndie and Erin and I went through your "stuff' on my back porch on Saturday and Sunday. I feel like one of the guards at the crucifiction dividing your clothes and things up. Don't get any idea's... this was about how I feel not who that would make you, but I have to tell you every time I see your picture(s) on my screensaver I say to myself.... "jesus christ PJ, what were you thinking??????
TTFN I love You lots......
Okay, PJ, time to send your special smile and love our way as Aunt Becky makes her way to you...bet you already greeted her at the gate! You and Grandpa better have some fresh tomatoes straight off the vine, with salt, ready for her!!! Know you're busy but please look out for your dad and his family. Love you SO much.
So many things rolling around in my head but I can't put them to paper/keyboard!! People all around say life goes on but does it? Should it, how can it? I look through the obits every day and see lots of names. Their stories could be my story. I guess in some sense we all have the same story, like authors, we're just waiting to get "Published"! For some to soon, for others, not soon enough.
All of these special days - birthdays, mother's day, father's day, graduations - we go through the motions and have some fun, but it really isn't the same! This is really screwed up and I DON'T LIKE IT!!! I don't want this to be what we "get used to." This is NOT the way it is supposed to be - you, dear PJ, may be at peace, but I sure am NOT! This sucks, big time!
Hey buddy. I just wanted to leave this message on the board. There has been a few times since March that I thought I saw you, but then remembered that it can't possibly be you. Another few times I came across your number in my phone and called it(as apparently many others have) hoping you might pick up. I wish I had seen you more often in 2006, but before that we were hanging all the time. I can remember coming out to your spot at 19th ave and osborn and jamming on the drums with you - that was some real fun. For some reason, the time when you and I went to peter piper and got free pizza from your sister sticks out in my mind. I also remember the phone calls with you (you know which ones I am talking about) where I feel like we really did connect. I wish we had talked more than we did, and for that I am sorry. I know in my heart that someday you and I will see each other again (and probably jam), but I wish you had stuck around longer. In any case, we all miss you. Please watch over us (especially the family) til we meet again
PJ,
As the days pass by I think of you constantly. I look at photographs of you and study them. I look at the shape of your eyes, the tip of your nose, how your mouth sits when you smile, and the dozens of freckles on your face. I do this thinking that I might forget how you look. Even though I know I will never be able to erase you from my mind. Some days I wake up in a daze, not remembering that you have passed on. And then in a moment’s time it will hit me, I’ll lie back in bed trying to stop crying as the flood of emotions knock me down. And eventually I’ll pick myself up.
Since you left life has become a constant struggle. There have been times when I hear the strum of a guitar and look with hope to find you sitting there with the guitar in front of you. I wish it were you but it’s not!?! I dream of you night after night. You’re always there but never say anything. Most times you just pass by a window or walk past my bedroom door, each time I run after you but you have already gone. I love you PJ.
So, you finally gave me the key, and I am more perplexed than ever. I thought there would be clues or some very real reason for all of this. Why, oh, why, did you leave us this way? It makes no sense to me and I just want you to tell me "why!" I love you but I AM SO MAD AT YOU.
you were always my favorite. always.
love jesse, franks sister
HE SAID:
So you think I’m selfish
You think I’m a cheat
Well what’s being selfless when they’ve all got you
beat?
Everything is spinning
It’s all been turned around
Gotta teach myself to listen
Pick up on that sound
Let it beat all loud
And I won’t be the one you ponder about
Instead I’ll be someone for whom you can be proud
SHE SAID:
No, you're not SO selfish,
but you cheated us in life,
You really were more selfless and
God wouldn't let you be beat!
The world keeps on a spinning
It's totally upside down
I AM trying to listen
but I can't hear your message -
I'm truly beaten down.
In this life you slumber, your secrets kept locked tight
No matter now and forever -
You never have to wonder -
You always made me proud!
I LOVE YOU, PJ!
PJ:
Tomorrow's another one of those "Thursdays!"
I am so grateful to your family for providing so many updates of your life!
I'm sorry I wasn't a bigger part of it!
I miss you very much, and check your website almost daily to give me the smile I need to start my day.
Miss you ... but I'm sure you know that!
Love you!
3 months, over 90 days, how many hours, too many to count. These numbers can't even reflect the depth of the pain and emptiness you have left behind. I know, I know, you are in a better place and you are happy. At times like this that doesn't seem like a promise and a blessing, so much as a curse for those of us still here.
Life does goes on and we will continue, just as we will continue to miss you - and someday the pain will be different (so I am told).
Right now, though, I just want you here, I want to start the year over, I want, I want, I want...and what I want I can't have - May God be with us all as we struggle to come to terms with the reality of Life Without PJ.
I love you, my little Peed-man.
Well I finally got around to mailing your infamous DVD to relatives back east. Cyndie made me a CD of the music and I've watched the DVD enough that I can just about recall the photo's in order. OK maybe not all of them but quite a few.
We now know what did you in and have even more questions than before with no answers in sight. You moved into that rathole where you took your last breath and I thought things were looking up. I thought you were making positive steps. I don't think you even knew what that place really was.
It's been 97 days since I dropped you off there. You said you'd call me.
WHY DIN'T YOU CALL?????
PJ- its been over 3 months since you have left us. I miss your laugh, your smile, your face, your goofy sense of humor, and most of all.... you. I'm so sorry that I wasnt there for you when you needed someone. I wanted to so bad! I'm getting a tattoo in your memory on your birthday. I think that might help a little, so whenever I feel like I need you, I can just look at my tattoo and think of you. You will always be with me....spiritually, mentally, and physically. I love you so much and I wish I told you I loved you more when you were around. I hope in some way you get this. You will always be on my mind. Love you cuz.
PJ - If you didn't know it then, surely you know it by now, your mother and father and sisters - as well as your halves and your steps all love you more than ever! You have left us with 23 years of love, life and memories. Thank you for being you, with all your faults and all your frailities, but especially with all your wit, laughter, hugs and kisses. I particularly miss our political sparring and hot discussions on the topics of the day. I still expect to see you at the kitchen table with your cereal, your Tassimo and the morning newspaper spread in front of you. Each and every day brings new memories, new insights and new hurts that need to heal. But, this will not be your only legacy, these memories of the past - I PROMISE!! We will do something important with this energy...and YOU WILL BE PROUD!! I promise!
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me
I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun
I'm with you
Whenever you tell, my story
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember me
I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers
And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky
As long as I still can reach out, and touch you
Then I will never die
Remember, I'll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me
Remember me...
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory
Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me
Remember me
Remember... me...
"There is something marvelous in music. I might almost say it is, in itself a marvel. Its position is somehere between the region of thought and that of phenomena; a glimmering meduim between mind and matter, related to both and yet differing from either. Spiritual and yet requiring rhythm; material and yet independent of space." -Heinrich Heine
You were a marvel, our phenomena. Keep playing your music.
I've been hanging with the guys a lot recently and we keep talking about you, all the good times before I moved away. It's tough being back with you not being around. We miss you, buddy. <3
Hey Peed..... 107 days and counting............... I am still dealing with the bullshit from the Detective in Tempe who appears to be so completely inept. Still working on getting a copy of the "report" to confirm what we already know....... The "SYSTEM" is fucked up! I keep coming up with what I call my "what if" scenario's..... what if.......... then maybe you'd still be here. You know what I am talking about.
Gramma asked me the last Tuesday night I was at her house if I had heard from you and I stopped what I was doing... The question surprised me because she knows you've left this shithole (my words/description not hers)of a planet. I did not say anything and she went on talking and it took only a few more seconds to realize that she knew you were gone and was simply asking if we'd had contact such as in a dream, etc. ................... I told her no I had not heard from you but that I prayed every day that I could and would. I'd settle for ......anything but what I hope for is a sense of forgiveness for all my failures as your father. .....where do I start....maybe I'll just leave it at that. .......
What the hell were you thinking?????????
You are missed by more people than you know.
I finally watched your video on my own all the way through since it played at the service we had for you. For me- I start to tear up when I see the more recent photos not the younger ones...maybe because we all used to look at those together and laugh!
It's weird- I think I'm getting better with you being gone and then I'll look at some pictures, hear a song somewhere, or see something that reminds me of you and I'm off crying again. I guess the good thing is the rest of us are all working together to get through this. I've never felt so sad in all of my life...I love you and miss you!
Hi PJ!
I work so close to where we "celebrated your life" at the church on Watkins & 2nd Street. I was filling up my gas tank today ... kid ... you don't know the impact you've made! We're all mad, sad and just living every day "one day at a time!" I wish you would have! I check your blog every day. You bring a smile to my face and anguish at the same time. I'm at a loss for what to write, accept I truly think about you every day ... and only wish I could have been somebody in your life you could have leaned on! I miss and love you so much!
Your Aunt T
Another day ... dear PJ ... my thoughts are reeling ... I feel like Thursdays will always be a day that I found out you were gone! I feel like I could have done something to be there for you a year ago ... what happened? My friend met you and said the same thing ... "what's up with him?" I KNEW ... MY FAMILY KNEW ... yet, no one helped ... WE NEED TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE!!!! PJ, I know you're watching over us ... and I'm sorry, we were not educated, smart enough or that we just didn't put our egos on a shelf, to see that you needed us! My hope today is that I can make a difference in someone elses life ... in your name .... I MISS YOU, MORE THAN ANYONE WILL EVER KNOW!
I MISS YOU EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!
As your birthday gets closer, it is getting harder and harder to think about getting through August 3 without singing "happy birthday" way out of tune. Remember, when every year on your birthday we seemed to be on vacation, so we would celebrate at the beach. I remember one year you even wanted a pie instead of cake for your birthday, and it was a good thing, because all we could find was pie....you always seemed embarassed by the fuss, but the BIG smile on your face really told the truth - you love it!
"Wha Happen??" Paul's First Words and now so appropriate!
"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship."
by Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thanks, Paul, for being my friend! I will never forget you!
YESTERDAY ... FOR YOU, DEAR PJ:
When I recall the yesterdays the rubble, storm and strife; I thank my precious Lord again for giving me new life. There was a time of darkness and I'd surely lost my way. My life was empty, meaningless; I could not even pray.
Rejection heightened feelings of my lack of self-esteem; failure ate my peace of mind, destroyed my every dream. The mornings that I wakened to held nothing more than dread; My hope for happiness dissolved, I wished that I were dead.
But then, one single word "forgive" was spoken from HIS throne, and in my spirit beamed a light ... HE beckoned, "Child, come home."
Jesus died so that we might live with HIM inside of us: And I chose the certain route to peace. My Shepheard, now is HE.
I'm walking in HIS victory, a child of Christ, my King, in HIM I find fulfillment and to HIM my praise I sing!
To you I only pray for us, that we will find our KING! :-)
Well tomorrow will be four months. We finally got Tempe's report. I'm not sure what all the secrecy was about except that their detectives really are a bunch of "Dicks". Make sure you get a copy of the paper on your birthday. We have a small surprise in the Obits.... I'm still reading them every day but so far I have not made it. You never know though when someone may pull a fast one.
We love you so much and miss you so badly. When will the alarm go off PJ??
"What Happened?"
My heart hurts so badly that I can't even breathe. I love you!
Hey, Mudd Man...can't sleep...been thinking about you alot...the thought of August 3 without you is tough!
As the hours go by and your birthday gets closer, I keep remembering those moments right before you were born. It's hard to believe that 23 years have passed - what a joy you were from the moment you appeared. I miss your laugh, your smile and your jokes. But, most of all, I miss being able to hug my son and tell him that I love him, no matter what! There will never be another you - that's for sure!
Happy Birthday peed! Love you lots, you're always in my thoughts and prayers.
Love Dad
Happy Birthday, dear PJ, Happy Birthday to you. (sung loud and with feeling)
Love, Mom
Just seeing your little picture today brings tears to my eyes! You had such curly hair as you got older ... We have all been touched by your life and our loss ... Happy Birthday ... celebrate with the angels today PJ, and know you are and always will be loved!
Love, Aunt T
LATIN MASS, ST THOMAS, 6:30 AM - AM - AM - , only for you bud, only for you!
Dear PJ,
We hope you're having a heavenly rockin' birthday!! We MISS YOU, LOVE YOU and think about you EVERY DAY!! Play that guitar nice and loud so your family will be sure to hear it today...IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER, Larissa, Ray, Isaiah, Tatum, Reese, Shane, Kyle, Tara, Kent and Cathy
PJ’s Ol' Guitar
This ol' guitar was his best friend
through thick and thin
It has held all his thoughts spoken them through melody words whispered from his heart
And at times that ol' guitar
held his tears at bay
Stopped his world from falling apart it even kept his ol' heart from breaking in two
his ol' guitar created music that screamed out to be heard
his ol' guitar was his best friend
through thick and thin....
Happy Birthday PJ
I miss you.
Uncle Russ
Hey PJ,
Just wanted to wish you a "Happy Birthday"! I hope your day is a good one and I am always thinking of you and wondering what its like up there and what you're up to these days. Talk to you soon Love, Brian
Happy Birthday PJ.
I didnt know you, but from what I have been reading, you seemed like you were very loved. You and I share the same birthday. Your mom and I share the same loss.
I don't know how to explain to her how the pain NEVER goes away. May she and your family stay strong for one another they will need each other. We dont understand why but we have to believe that one day we will all be together again. Peace be with you.
Hi PJ. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. you may not be with us but i know in my heart that you are always here with us when ever we may need you. you are a very good man and you would always be with me on my birthday so i thought that i should re-pay you with my wishes to you forever. i will always remember you forever. i love you PJ!
Today, Cyndie and I shared a laugh about you and the "chippers." Thanks for continuing to put a smile on our faces - even when we want to cry. Love you so much.
Hey, be sure to tell Grandma Pencil that we are wishing her a "Happy Birthday." Love you!
I really miss you today.
Found a note from you today - thanks for being such a great guy! I really miss you!!
Another Thursday....
Another day ... a day I used to like to just hang around and do nothin'. Your life has changed me, though! I almost think of you as I think of myself ... I thought I could truly handle everything, and show the whole world I was happy and healthy ... that I could help somehow. Well, I miss you. Again, I feel like it's just another day ... another one without someone who was "real" in my family. You don't know how much you've impacted my life. You are loved, missed and I am angered that I didn't die first! Please save a place for me ... 'cause I know God knows what he's doing, I just don't understand it. I love you.
Okay, you watch over us, the challenge to make halfway houses accountable starts tomorrow!! Love you!!
Hey.... new job starts this week. No more Motors. I survived, you didn't. Go figure! You are always on my mind, what's left of it anyway!!!!
I am so VERY tired, "yet there are miles to go before I rest." Keep inspiring me to keep on keeping on. I love you.
PJ
I've been thinkin' about you today. I pull up your blog every day ... hoping this isn't true! That you're gone! I remember telling Katie how she was really my first kid. I watched her so much when she was little ... and you came along ... I watched you, too! We used to love making you laugh and giggle. You had such curly hair and you loved pretending you were using my phone! Oh, how I wish you would have used the phone. I gave you three phone numbers ... I can't fix this. I only wish I could. I would love to have our family back in order. Paul, (dad) you were and are a wonderful dad and Tami (my Tami, my sister) you were and are an awesome mom ... God bless you both ... I miss PJ, I miss his smile, his laugh, his face ... and I thank you both for making him possible in my world ... I'm a better person because I know him!
It's almost 5 months since you left us and I can't believe that I can make it through each day. I can't get away from thinking you're going to check in every day, and say "hey, whatcha doin'." The day doesn't seem complete unless I have heard from each of you. I can hear your voice so clearly. I love you, miss you and feel so empty without you!
I love you, PJ. I wish you were here.
Five months and a day! I can hardly think about you without my eye's opening up and rivers flowing forth. Alone, I sob and wail like some old woman, sometimes it's hard to drive and always worse to type these notes to you! I don't know why I bother with them. If there is a God and eternal life then you know my mind, my thoughts, my sorrow and despair! If not the joke is on me and all the rest of us still here.
This will never be right! This will never be OK!
DITTO
Sometimes I forget that you're gone and then suddenly I'll remember that I can't call and see what you're up to - then everything seems to go gray. I saw an ad today for sharper image... I see random people who are out on the street struggling and begging and I'm so glad I don't have to worry about you doing that- but I want you to know that you suck! I look at pictures of all of us and realize there's so much I still have left to tell you and I can't anymore. It's so hard to think about the past and realize we don't have any future memories to build together. I don't know why you ever decided to try what you did- it makes me so frustrated that you ever thought you weren't good enough and resorted to doing things to make yourself feel better about life. We all love you so much. Life just isn't the same without you- we're all still dealing with you being gone and it's not fair. I hate having to stumble when someone asks how many brothers and sisters I have- how do I answer that? Why should I have to explain that you're gone? You should still be here. BTW- if you would have stuck with the other program you would be out by now- who would have known we would only have so much more time with you...
Dear PJ,
I look at your site almost everyday and cry everytime. I don't know what I am looking for. I know you can't come back, but I wish you could. I wish their was something I could do to help your family feel less pain, but I know nothing will ever be able to do that except you! I look at my son and pray to God that I don't have to go through what your family is going through. I know they love you more than life and would do anything if they could just to have you back. I think we all wish we could have done something different to help save you. Please let your family know in your own special way that you love them and touch their hearts daily. Let your family know that we are here for them whenever they need us and that we miss you too.
Well gues what..... It's been 161 days but who's counting. Good day, Bad day...... There really are no "good day" just bad days that are a little less bad, involve fewer tears, less crying, less questioning about what I did, what I failed to do, what we did not do together because I was to busy doing this and that, building this, fixing that. I came across that folder you got for me about the Conservatory Recordings Art and Science school in Tempe. The letter was addressed to you or was it me. It had "our" name on it. We talked at length about your love for music and your desire to go there. Of course Mr. Practical tells you we have other issues to address...... As I look back I know you could not have gotten through the program, even if they had accepted you, with you "using", but I look back and think maybe you were looking at life-rings, something to grab onto and pull yourself up with.
One minute I know by God I did the right things, made the correct choices, tried to hold you responsible for your actions then 15 minutes later I look back and say I coulda, woulda, shoulda done things differently. If I had, things would have turned out differently. I'd probably still be dealing with you and your addiction but I would have been dealing with you, not these one way "conversations". I'm sure people look at me like I'm crazy when they look over as I'm driving or stopped at a light and see me talking to myself, you actually, but they don't know that. I wish like hell you could give me some answers, but I'm simply talking to myself. Give me a few more years and I'll still be doing that, I just won't know it. I guess I'll end this with my usual lines that I'm always asking...... You said you'd call but you didn't. What were you thinking?
The sun will set for you...
I love you PJ
I feel like each and every day just lingers, hangs there...waiting for something to happen, but it never does. Is this what living in Purgatory is like? Or is it HELL?
Another Thursday PJ. The last couple of week have been quite a ride for me. I think God wants to keep me here though, just a little while longer ... maybe to help other people like you and me. I'm counting on you to whisper in my ear when I get of track, okay? I really need your strength today.
Keep the stars bright at night, as I know you do ... and I'll keep on pluggin' along. Love you kid!
20 years ago tonight you celebrated Mass with Pope John Paul II at ASU Stadium by: sniff, sniff, "I smell, smell bar-b-que dog hair." This famous scene from Ghostbusters was your favorite, and even when you uttered these words (and very loudly with much feeling, I might add) during the Consecration, your charm won over the crowd of parishioners sitting with us from St. Thomas. The giggles and muffled laughter and the hugs you got later attest to how loved you were even then - at age 3! I love you so much...and miss you more than I can ever say!
I miss you alot today - was in a quiet place and just wanted to chat and see what you were up to - but no reply...
PJ:
Thinking of you very much today. I talked about you a lot in my meeting. Just want you to know you are truly a blessing in my heart. You were precious to us here on earth ... and are forever a treasure for us.
One week short of six months..... I still can't fathom the rest of my life on this earth without you. All of those "firsts".... your 1st birthday without you here, my first birthday without you here, first Christmas without you here. When you get down to it every day is a first day of the rest of my life without you here. I'm counting them down but the problem is that I don't know how high the number will be before we see each other again. By that comment you can see that I am (for the moment) back to believing we will see each other. There are other options than that, picking the day I see you but other than rare occasions since you've left I don't see that as a viable option.
My eyes are now dry again at least for as few minutes. If I cut this short here they will stay that way until I'm driving down the road and see the Hilton, the Barrington, Bashas, St. Marys and remember your time here with us. To late, I could not even get that out and I'm crying again.
I love you so much..........
Cheyenne is waiting for you to come and get her. She really wants to play!
I was at Vernon all day today, and kept remembering you and your "tuttles." I'm so glad that you and Katie got to live there again when you "growed up." Love you -
Have fun with Cheyenne...she's just the kind of pal you need!
I'm thinking of you and of 6 months ago and wondering how I could have changed things - DAMN CELL PHONE! I miss you - please watch over Sarah - she's in bad shape!
I really miss you today and can't believe that you are gone!
My dear PJ, you always made me smile, even in the hardest times...and when you would say "MOM" in just that way I knew I should stop, listen and readjust. You will always be missed and very much loved. Thank you for being such a wonderful, loving son. Love you, Mom
Hey PJ. Today I found that letter you had written to me in September of 2006 while you were in Maverick House. What a difference a year makes. Six months after the letter you're dead and six months after your death I find your letter again. Yesterday was six months without you and I needed to see those positive things you wrote. As usual you give me (gave me) to much credit and did not take any of your own.
When I read it in my closet after finding in a "legal" folder, go figure my organizational skills, I started to cry so hard.
That second to last line where you ask my forgiveness for what you have done to harm me is the EXACT WORDING that I pray to God for your forgiveness every single day.
Deja Vu, I don't know. I have not seen your letter for over a year and Lord knows with my memory I would not remember that line. Who would guess the changes in our lives.
Maybe that letter is your way of telling me that all is well with you, I should accept things as they are and pledge to do better with your siblings, friends and the relationships around me.
Thanks for helping me to come across it today when I really needed to read those things you wrote.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH......
Hi PJ!
I'm missing you today. Some young people attended my meeting this afternoon. I think they were younger than you. I don't know if they are taking this thing seriously or not. (You know what I mean). My prayer for young people like you and old people like me ... love life and live it the way God intended!
I miss you today ... I know you're with me and we share a common bond. For you I am grateful!
Love you!
I love you.
Lately I've been feeling like you're not really gone- I've just imagined that you're not here and that you've just been away. But, then looking through this site makes me think, "we wouldn't have this up if you were still here." I've been doing better I think- not crying every time I think of you. But, I miss your laugh, your phone calls, and your guitar strumming! I love you!
I don't know how to continue to do this every day.
Really missing you....
Hi PJ!
I'm missing your mom today! She continues to help others, but never asks for support for herself.
If I can't tell her, please convey to her ... through your own secret way (chocolate truffle, seat in the car, settled back, as if you were driving ... I don't know, only you know) just let her know, I miss her, as much as I miss you.
Tam: I love you!
Let her know, that we shouldn't miss a moment ... 'cause moments go by way too fast and they are gone, like us!
Each day is a blur, going by so fast and at the same time so slow, like an hourglass..... each grain of sand slowly falling out the bottom, piling onto the other grains of sand that have fallen before. It's not an "hour" glass though, it's a forever glass, full of a never ending supply of sand. Just like the beach on Coronado, La Jolla or San Felipe!
Each grain a little bit of pain and at the same moment a little bit of time. Both time and pain that will go on forever, or till I see you again whichever comes first.
This week was a no faith week, crying for hours as I was looking out across the barren desert that stretched to the mountains at the far side of the valley. Thinking that once we're gone we're simply gone.....that there is no creator, there is no afterlife. I wish I knew for sure.
T minus nine days and counting to seven months. Love you and miss you more than you would have ever imagined while you were here on earth!!!!!!
I miss you SO much. I had 3 ladies tell me tonight how much they enjoyed you when they shopped at Hand to Hand and how sorry they were that you weren't here with us. The larger group even made a monetary donation to WHEAT in your name. You are so loved...I wish we could've changed things for you here.
What a mess...HELP!
It's one of those days that you remember "where you were when you found out." So many people's lives were changed by your death just 7 months ago - but so many more were touched and changed by your 22 years of life! The last year of your life was not your best, to say the least, but you tried and that's all I ever asked of you. Know that you are loved, have always been loved and will continue to be loved -
Go visit your dad! NOW...love you.
Why does it have to be so hard? I know you're not struggling anymore but, I guess I'm selfish. I want you back here. I want one more hug. I want one more movie. I want one more laugh. I want more guitar strumming. I want to tell you again how much I love you and that you're not a disappointment. I don't want to think that I didn't do enough. I don't want to think about all the things you're missing. I don't want to feel like this anymore...
Hey Mr. Mudd, Lots of things happening in my neck of the woods but you know that already! Perhaps God told you or maybe not... I am a new test case for those persons who say that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". The rubber band is stretching to it's limits but I'm not sure if it matters that it breaks and snaps or if it just snaps back. Either ways it hurts!!!!! My life is again changing big time shortly. Nothing I should not have been expecting but I guess just like my relationship with you, I expected things to go on. There's one thing I think about all the time and quickly cover up with other thoughts because I can't bear the idea that I may have changed things and you might still be here with us. My upcoming life event could have occured a year and a half ago but some people can't make up their fucking mind.... I'm one of them also but HEY that is taking it to a new level... one that far exceeds my capacity for lack of decision making. I know "GOD HAS A PLAN" and you and I are playing our parts!!!!! THATS FUCKING BULLSHIT AND I'M SO TIRED OF LIFE AND ITS BULLSHIT...... IT'S ABOUT TIME HE SHARED HIS PLAN WITH THE REST OF US.
Sorry I missed my usual posting date on the 29th but SHIT HAPPENS (very heavy sigh)
Love you more than you ever knew!#@&**&
PS.... I just had to grab comment # 100.
Recently someone to remain nameless told me they have had several dreams of you. I am so very jealous. I don't know what I'd give to have you talk with me in my dreams..... Your last words to me were "I'll call you".......I'd have had so much more to say to you had I even the slightest inkling..... @%$@#&^*$%When are you going to come visit me
I miss you...
I really wish you were here. I miss you so much.
Dear PJ:
Ever since you left us, I find myself paying closer attention to the obituaries in the newspaper. I'm surprised by how many people your age that I come across. I think how they probably never imagined they would find themselves listed there at such a young age. Kinda the way you felt I bet?
I think how each of them has their own story that brought them to that point. And I think of how the ending of their life forever changed the lives of those who love them. In a way, I feel like I can relate to what they are going through. But I know it is different for everybody who goes through it. I'm sure the one thing we all share is the feeling that we could have changed things ... somehow prevented it from happening if we had only done things differently. That will be rolling around in our heads for the rest of our lives. I wish I could know for sure.
I remember the times when I would sit around and talk to you about all kinds of different stuff. Sometimes serious stuff, but usually goofy stuff. There would be days where you would be really down on yourself, worrying about not knowing what you should do with your life. I used to try to downplay it and tell you that lots of kids your age don't have a clue what they want to do. I would say, "what's the rush? You have your whole life to figure that out." Little did I know how stupid a comment that was. But, who knew? None of us did. If we did, we would have done things differently. But of course, that's in the realm of Captain Obvious -- isn't it?
There are days when the reality of you not being here suddenly hits be with a rush -- just out of the blue. It's usually when something happens and it pops in my mind how you would have reacted to something that happened or what you would have said about it. It's funny, but the memories that come back to me are rarely about the times where you were struggling or having a really tought time. That's not what I think of when I think of PJ Mudd. I think of the lighthearted times where we would both find something funny. Or times when a telemarketer would call and you would turn the tables on them with some crazy accent and story that would completely catch them off guard. Those are the little things that I miss ... but all of those little things seem to really add up.
I guess if you read all of the comments and stories on this blog, you see that there is a basic theme in all of them. We all love you and we all miss you so much. You can just feel it in the words of so many different people how deeply you are loved and missed. I can only hope that we did a good enough job -- that we gave you enough bright spots in your 22-years of life to let you know how much you truly are loved. And I can only hope ... that you miss US too.
I love you PJ.
Hey Mr. Peedddd..... a very good friend of your's stopped by the other night and we visited for a long time.. I heard some stories I had not heard before and I guess maybe shared a few you hadn't even heard before but of course you are seeing it happen yourself from above. I have your "service" picture in my truck, my work truck, the car, my wallet, everywhere.... Every time I look at it I read those words you wrote and I think "why are we going thru this". The I think that for me this is my "pennance" for having fucked up your life so bad that you felt you needed to alter your state of mind to feel better..... What didn't we do that we coulda, shoulda, woulda done to make things different. My brain tells me nothing would have changed this outcome but my heart and this nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me different. How can that be? I've started listening to your music (and that of others) while I am out running.
I've also started working on my own service video, who better than myself to pick my pictures and music.... That was one of your mistakes... among many... leaving to soon.. Don't get me wrong.. KT and David did an awesome job and I know that cuz I watch it on a very regular basis. But... like the controlling person I've been told that I am, I want to take charge of this part of it.
OK gotta go, hard to stay awake.... still looking for you "in my wildest dream". Who sang those words?????
It's one of those conversations that was short, didn't really mean alot - an offhand comment - but now I understand. "...sounds like the music in a Robert Redford movie," translates into ROBERT REDFORD MOVIE MUSIC - a band from the 1984 Record Company...and people around the world will be listening to your music - your dream becomes a reality, just wish I could have made it so before it was too late. I love you and miss you.
I love you and really miss talking to you!
This pain is intolerable!
Lyrics to Far Away
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Hey... well you finally came to me in my dream last night. I wrote it down so I would not forget. A kinda wierd thing that happened with that. I woke at 6 AM after I sort of sat up in bed.. I was looking for something to write on and I came across a spiral binder in Andy's room. As I was going through it from front to back, looking for a fresh page I saw that it was a journal, Andys, that he wrote on in school last year. I'm only going to share what he had written on two of the pages... I don't think he'd mind...
On 3/30/2007 he wrote, "my brother did (died)".
On 4/3/2007 he wrote, " today is the last time i git to see m Brother".
His last entry was inthe middle of May 2007. What are the odds I would find that notebook, in his messy room no less, just after you coming to me in a dream and as these things always happen in three's don't they I found a "Bizarre Guitar" guitar pick on the floor of my room.. empty room, but my room now no less. Is that scary or what... OK not scary but pretty cool. I cried for a long time this morning and I kept thinking through the dream in my head because I did not want to forget it but I could not write because I could not see because the tears were streaming down my face and so on and so on....
Love you more than you ever knew!!!!!
Hey PJ, Happy Thanksgiving at the Lords table.... Be with me and all of us! Love You as always more than you ever knew!!!
Your Mom is on the warpath,,,, Stand by.... Look out!!!!
Another month, a day of infamy in my life and in my heart. I love you!
A Letter to the Editor of the AZ Republic
Our heartfelt sadness goes out to the Pasanella family as they struggle with the death of their son due to a heroin overdose - our family suffers from the same loss this year!
The title of the headline article “Heroin Deaths Alarm Officials – November 22, AZ Republic” immediately caught our attention, as we thought that maybe, now, people might take notice.
We were saddened by the fact that the article only seemed to underline a recurring problem and not a call for action. We wonder what other “officials” are alarmed, as the resource officers and Partnership for a Drug-Free America can’t begin to change the root causes of this problem, alone.
Our experience with “officials” has been one of cynism and a deficiency of “alarm” and even what might best be described as an apathetic attitude about addicts. There were 5 heroin overdoses in the East Valley within the 48 hour period in which our son died in March of 2007 – 4 died, 1 lived. No one was interested in finding out why this happened, and more importantly, doing something to keep it from happening, again.
There are many others who have died and many more will continue to succumb to this dreadful addiction if a community effort is not made. Certainly the individuals who took the drug are ultimately responsible and have paid the price – but, these are young adults who are dying with lives that should still be stretched out in front of them. Instead, they are gone – along with all their hopes and dreams.
Our son (and his death) has been treated as just another street addict – the reality is that he was a short-term user who “tried it as a lark” and got hooked. He was educated, had a job and a huge support system, including family, friends and behavioral health professionals. He went through rehab and was on his way, but ended up sharing a room in a half way house with a current user who gladly shared his stash.
Our family worked hard with our son to get him clean, he wanted nothing more – the system let us down, and now we live with the consequences. How about Law Enforcement picking up and charging the known dealers, even the small operators, especially when they know exactly where they are? How about DHS and the Arizona State Legislature re-instating operating rules and regulations for half-way houses? How about including parents in the DARE program? How about we, adults, taking this for the serious problem that it is rather than something that everybody does when they are young?
Heroin is not a “fun” drug – it is a killer.
Let’s treat it that way!!
Tamera Zivic and Paul Mudd, Sr.,
Grieving Parents of an Awesome Kid
YOU GO GURL!
I really miss you - why don't you just walk right through that door...
Hey PJ, another day, another dollar, another day closer to seeing you again!!!!!!!!! When does it end????????????
My heart hurts.
Help me say the right things this morning. I love you.
it's hard when i realize once again that you're not here anymore. i just keep expecting to hear from you or hear some news from someone about you and how you're doing. i miss you everyday. it's hard to know that while the rest of us are growing up - you're not. soon there won't be any more new pictures of you to post...most people probably don't even visit this site anymore. for them- the book is closed, they've moved on since your funeral. but for me- everyday is like day one- disbelief, sadness, and so many questions. i'm sorry if i helped bring this on. i love you and i want you to be here with all of us still.
Hey Peed.... End of the month and it will be 9 months since you've left us. I just thought of this....... The same time it took for you to start growing in your Mom and pop out in August of 1984.... I don't watch your video every day like I did but I listen to the music on the I-Pod your sister gave me. I think of you all the time when I'm out running, doing stadiums, climbing Squaw Peak. I guess it's those times that I have alone, or as alone as I can get with you in the back of my mind.. There are more of them now and I'm OK with that.
When I'm out working in the East valley I drive by Williams gateway Airport and I things about those days when you worked "security" out there before the SanTan opened. You were so old and at the same time such a child... I remember putting your lunch together, water bottles, your hat, etc. I felt like a parent sending their baby off to 1st grade. FLASH... note to self.... 1st graders don't buy heroin. I guess you were two people to me just as you were to Erin and everyone. Just like your Dad, trying to please everyone, make everyone happy, solve everyones problems, but not good as hardly any of it. Last year at Christmas Eve I picked you up from the Hilton and I thought you weer going to come back to Patti's house, No, you wanted to go back to your apartment. Weere you tired or did you want to use????? I don't know. More and more I look back and things and try to fit them into a picture of what you were doing then, questioning your moyives, actions, etc. I don't know why. Maybe I want to try and figure out what happened so I can make sense of the "senseless". You know the senseless...... your not being here, playing your music, hanging out with your brother and sisters and friends (the friends who did not introduce you to DRUGS , dating that someone who knows who she is but will remain nameless in this note,........ I could go on and on but will cut it here.. I am getting better cuz I held it together to this point in my note with only a runny nose and a few sniffles... no tears. Is that good or bad.. Please let me know.... I'd like to hear fronm you in another dream... isn't it my turn...
Ohhhhhhhhhhh I was out shopping over the weekend and saw a "wall plaque"... I read it and thought of you.... It read.... "IF LOVE COULD HAVE SAVED YOU, YOU WOULD HAVE LIVED FOREVER"
ttfn Love you more than you ever knew.... my fault for that...
Hey PJ Sorry about the spelling. I didn't proof it. MY bad again...
Hey me again. Watched your video tonite, or at least most of it. Most times when I do I often see something I did not see before, or something comes to mind. Tonite I saw that sleep thing you were so good at. Tonite I saw you asleep as a baby on the floor, on the bed, on the chair, back East at the Algiers living room. It made me laugh because that is often how I remember you. OK maybe it's not funny but I did laugh a bit while I cried a bit. Coming down to the wire, Christmas is almost here. I'm not sure how I am supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ the redeemer who came to this earth to save us from our sins. Why he couldn't come to you and give you a little insight. Why couldn't you have been open to that program at the Salvation Army. You'd be here with us today, maybe clean maybe not but probably alive.....giving me one more thing to do, one more problem to continue to try and solve. I'm sitting in my room looking at the picture collage that your Aunt made of the Kentucky trip and I see a healthy you, full of life, smiles, joy then I flash forward to April 3rd at 3:30, seeing you laid out there. Grateful for a last look at you but a last look of ........... I can't begin to describe it........
What the HELL were you thinking? What the F_ _ _ING HELL were you thinking.
PJ ...
After reading the last entry on your blog, I believe that we as a society are uneducated as a whole! We cannot know what you were thinking at the time of your death, but as a fellow addict, I have uncovered, that sometimes we aren't thinking at all. I have found that recovering addicts in the first year of sobriety go through a phase called Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome which many times causes relapses in addicts. For those who would like to find out more check out www.interventionctr.com/paws.htm,or Google Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. This isn't the answer for your death, but might ease the minds of what you were or weren't thinking! Maybe this will even help others to recognize this syndrome and to live happy, sober lives.
I think of you every day ... And, I love you for helping me to stay sober.
It was actually a rhetorical question when I typed "what were you thinking". No one will ever know and he probably wasn't thinking at all, he was just looking to get high, to escape, from whatever inner hell he was trying to deal with. Three days before his death he was so positive about his life, things that were going on, his job. But that conversation was at a high point in his day and like all his family experience now, he had his low points and those lows were so much lower tha any of us ever imagined. And it was in the deep, dark, depths of those lows that he saw shooting up as a way to feel better about his life.
That's why, as much as you know someone, you never really KNOW them. I will always miss that wonderful smile that just made everything okay.
I miss you SO much. Love you, MOM
Well PJ , Christmas 2007 is here without you here with us. We went over to Bernies. I got a new phone this week and Katie helped me edit the numbers I transferred over. We took out Bridges, Bridges in Mesa, Maverick House, Shannon at Care First, the Barrington Regent..... Your number is still in my phone, I think your Mom is still paying the bill. I didn't figure I needed those other numbers anymore.
Today was a tear filled day for me. I was at the house changing before going to Bernies and I had my I-Pod playing. Some of "YOUR" music came on and of couse it's coming up on 9 months....sooooo never one to miss an opportunity to cry I did so for a bit ( two songs ).
We ALL miss you so much, you have/had no idea!!!! Love you forever!!
Your guitar is now safe and sound where it should be...just like I know you would want. I love you, and know that you are safe in Heaven now -
So yesterday we went to don jose's to eat "the last lunch" before they closed for good. I kept remembering all the different times we've gone there over the years - I guess it's good that they decided to close - now I won't feel bad eating there without you!
Today was a different Christmas - who would have thought dad would ever go over to mom's to celebrate! I was glad that I didn't have to think and rethink my gift for you - wondering if you would sell it to get money - last year was so hard. Today actually went a lot better than I thought it would- but I still missed seeing you opening your stocking and your gifts, and hearing your short laugh when you see what you got. I miss you...
Ditto on the last post PJ. Also I had a recent discussion with someone about things including.... are we physical beings with a spiritual side or...... are we really spiritual beings who have a temporary physical side. Either way I'm open to your visits....
WE all miss you more than you ever knew. Love You!!!!!!
I miss you so much; I am so sorry.
I don't think you know how much I still miss you.
Hey PJ.... I'm thinking about putting together a get-together late in March.... Does that time frame sound familiar.... I talked to your younger sister the other day. She told me some things she heard when she went back to work after the holidays... This world and the people in it are so fucked up.... The things that some humans do to each other and themselves are sometimes impossible to believe and there is no way to understand them.
A little known fact.. Americans spend 65 Billion dollars, not a typo, a year on illegal drugs. Not a judgement, just a fact.
Don't have much else to say tonite. Let me know on the get-together thing.... HAaaaaaa
Called Arvan a few times, so far no calls back. I'll keep trying. Not crying as much, until I type this of course. So far 2008 has been a good year, Of course it's only the 9th of January... Nite Nite little boy! I miss you more than you could ever know!
Well, we're coming into the one-year ago mark, when things really started spiralling out of control, then better, then worse, then better, then the ultimate worst day of my life - maybe best for you, but not for me. I love you so much and I'm really struggling with how hard I made your life.
I use to hate it when you were right but now I know I should have just listened to you instead of fighting it
thinking of you
Still.....thinking of all the "what if's"!..... and there are so, so many...... don't forget the "if only's"! Then on to the "what could have been"!
Sometimes PJ I feel like a dog chasing it's tail.... never getting anywhere, feeling dizzy, wondering when it will all stop??? It's never going away, it's never going to stop, it's never going to get better.
I look at the bedroom floor, look at the driveway, look at the porch swing, look at the lawn chairs, look at the living room, look at the kitchen, etc, etc, etc.... everywhere I look I see you!!!! I shake my head back and forth so much my neck hurts!!!!
Every day gets harder///
Ten months tomorrow. Hard to believe, hard to forget, actually impossible truth be told. March 29 is a Saturday, Andy will be with me. You're still at your Moms. We're still deciding your fate, at least from the perspective of where you'll be. We never talked about that, did we??? But why should we have. Kids bury their parents.... right.....!!!! NOT this time. E mailed your "friend"!! haven't heard back Your sister is planning on getting married. Her kids ( she does not have yet) will never know you.... Why did that have to be????
Pictures, video's, newspaper clippings, "your d-day", your b-day, your guitar, OUR MEMORIES!!! 22 years old forever and ever!!
nite peed!!
Not only do I think about how you are now gone 10 months, but also what we were all doing 1 year ago today...it hurts my heart, all of these thoughts. My dear little boy, I miss you so much and love you even more!
I guess it is only fair. I broke your heart and now you have broken mine.
WHO'S GETTING MARRIED???
Inquiring minds want to know.....E mail me pfmphx@yahoo.com and I'll let you know.....
the End of the World - Gin Blossoms
If you close your eyes
You'll see through my winner disguise
And I'll hold your hand
You're falling all over again
It takes so long
It takes so long
Oh, running over the edge of a curve
Now free-falling till the end of the world
Lost in focus of reality's blur
We run alone
But you know
You've seen through me
Inside another branch of the tree
And I'll never leave
I'll find you everything you need
It takes so long
It takes so long
Oh, running over the edge of a curve
Now free-falling till the end of the world
Lost in focus of reality's blur
We run alone
But you know
You'll see
That you're falling from the edge of the world
But you know
Don't believe
That you're falling from the edge of the world
It takes so long
It takes so long
Oh, running over the edge of a curve
Now free-falling till the end of the world
Lost in focus of reality's blur
We run alone
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here?
Is he standing in my room?
No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
he takes you in with his crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No he can't, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
I seem to be thinking about you more and more. Maybe because I miss you more and more. Life goes on but you stay the same. Another day older but you remain 22! I 've been thinking of our last hours together and the things I'd like to say, the things I'd change..... but that takes me so much further back... a month, a year, I think about what small change may have altered things such that we'd both be in a different spot right now. I know I'm simply talking out my ass. We both know that the only thing that changes is the tick of the clock and the day on the calendar as we all get one step closer to seeing you once again.
Fifty six days to your anniversary.
Tick Tock Tick Tock
March 29th and what a shock
PJ's gone but we remain
Our lives will never be the same
All those things, those shoulda-bens
your music, a wife, some kids, your friends
Who'd have thought these things we'd see
Your pain, your death, our loss, SORRY Mr. Peed!!
Still thinking every day, we know there's a reason !!!!!!!!!
As each day goes by, I continue to wonder why...I miss you and love you.
Went to the LUX coffee shop the other nite. I remembered when it was the music instrument studio that we visited when you were looking for a guitar and an amp. Times change. Gotta talk to your Mom tomorrow (today) and discuss any ideas for the 29th. If you have any suggestions.... let me know!!
LOVE YOU
One year ago today you got your job at Sharper Image...you were excited and so filled with hope. We had so much fun shopping for your clothes - including those black shoes...I remember your smiling face, so happy to be starting over. I think we even celebrated with dinner out - shrimpies...
I just realized that it was a THURSDAY when I broke my arm...no wonder you were hanging around!
They say God closes one door and then opens another...... why don't you answer the door PJ????
Well PJ. I have been thinking about you a lot lately working on my sound system and working on songs for up coming events like your Sisters wedding for one and wish you were here to give me a helping hand on ideas that you would have been good at. You keep playing your guitar and I will do my best for your Sisters wedding reception.
Uncle Russ
31 days....then we can start on year two!! This sucks....
26
"24"
"When the drumbeat changesm the dancers must adapt." Burkina Faso proverb
20 more days to the start of year two !
Well P.J. its almost here. That day that you left this world to play your guitar for God. It is amazing how many lives you have touched and changed since you have been gone. No one understands why you had to leave but their has to be a BIG reason for all this. Your family is amazing and strong and will always celebrate the caring, loving and wonderful person you are. I never knew how much one person could affect so many especially myself and my family. I think of you all the time and hope to someday see your smiling face again. Keep heaven laughing and help us down here when you get a chance.
I had to watch your video that David made everyone so I could hear your voice. It's the first time I've watched it since your funeral. I cried through the whole thing. I miss your voice, your smile, and your stupid sense of humor. I MISS YOU!
I'm sorry I wasnt there for you, I'm sorry I wasnt around. I have messed up every friendship I've ever had. I miss when we were kids, just spending time at grandma's cabin working on our fort!! I loved that thing. Or just hanging out in grandpa's hammock.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I finally finished my tattoo for you. It's really nice, you would like it. I've been thinking of adding more. It madkes me feel closer to you. Everytime I think of you, I can look at my tat and it feels like you're with me.
I wish you would visit me more. I know you're probly spending alot of time with your dad and mom and with your ciblings. just when you get a chance, come by sometime.
Love you peed
The ball is tipped
and there you are
you're running for your life
you're a shooting star
And all the years
no one knows
just how hard you worked
but now it shows...
(in) ONE SHINING MOMENT, IT'S ALL ON THE LINE
ONE SHINING MOMENT, THERE FROZEN IN TIME
But time is short
and the road is long
in the blink of an eye
ah that moment's gone
And when it's done
win or lose
you always did your best
cuz inside you knew...
(that) ONE SHINING MOMENT, YOU REACHED DEEP INSIDE
ONE SHINING MOMENT, YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE
Feel the beat of your heart
feel the wind in your face
it's more than a contest
it's more than a race...
And when it's done
win or lose
you always did your best
cuz inside you knew...
(that) ONE SHINING MOMENT, YOU REACHED FOR THE SKY
ONE SHINING MOMENT, YOU KNEW
ONE SHINING MOMENT, YOU WERE WILLING TO TRY
ONE SHINING MOMENT....
We miss you!
"16"
Just keep thinking about LAST YEAR! Love you.
Nine......
I can't believe that I miss you now more than yesterday...love is a terrible thing! I hope that at least YOU now know the truth about SO many things.
Do you even know how much I miss you? I go back and forth wondering why you haven't called and then wondering if you were just someone I made up. Why did you do this to me?
" SIX "
It seems like just moments ago.... It seems like an hour ago.......It was yesterday..... It was a million years ago....... How can hearing that news, "he's dead, he's gone, he's ......", be all those things all at once....
I think about Dan's son.... his death from the same killer, heroin, His coma...... hanging on for a few days.... better or worse, same result. They got to say goodbye.... he didn't hear them but..... maybe.... a whisper.....time to let go.... say their goodbyes.... They had memories of him laying in a hospital bed....final hours.... final moments. His spirit was gone, soul departed......
We have memories, scene photo's, you laying in that box for our "ID" viewing,... it was you.... it wasn't you. I'm ok with someone else's son, brother, grandchild, nephew.... been there done that lots of times.......never associate that with my own.... who would have thought, that doesn't happen..... they bury you.....not you them.... Almost a year...... but a lifetime left to go..... time goes on, life goes on..... does it PJ..... Let me know!!!!!
........"FIVE".....
Then what......!!!!!
Then they start on year two!!!!!!!
It's as if you were a dream
"Three days, 1 hour, ten minutes"
JUST BREATHE
I SWEAR I'LL MAKE IT BETTER
JUST BREATHE
I SWEAR I'LL MAKE IT RIGHT
I go back through your lyrics, feel your pain, I can see you using.... even as you write those words, putting to paper your thoughts..... your feelings.
The highs, the lows.... i don't think any of us..... scratch that.......NONE of us understood...... scratch that.... I didn't understand how you felt, had no idea of the depth of your pain..... and never will I suppose.
I'm staring at this screen, thoughts tumbling in my mind, wishing I could pull them all together.... Not going to happen today....
Later PJ
"So, I packed the Surf in its own bag - do you want me to come over and show you?" Wish I had - who knew that this would be the last time we would talk. You hung up so fast I never got to say goodbye or I love You. Still do!
"So, I packed the Surf in its own bag - do you want me to come over and show you?" Wish I had - who knew that this would be the last time we would talk. You hung up so fast I never got to say goodbye or I love You. Still do!
One more day...... One year later... We are all kinda caught up one more time.... busy getting ready for Sunday. Bought four newspapers.... it's not cheap getting your picture in the paper. Ha!
I often still can't believe we are where we are. You gone, the rest of us remain!!!!!
"Zero"
Hey.... that was my job!!!
Hey P.J.-
I thought about you all day today and every thought brought tears. We all miss you. I hope you liked the mass today. Keep in touch!
What more is there to be said..... What haven't we all thought, said, wish, dream, cry about all of this?
What more is there to be said..... What haven't we all thought, said, wish, dream, cry about all of this?
Wherever you may be.. I hope your watching whats been unfolding lately!
Time doesn't fly when you're not having fun.
(heavy sigh,,,,, teary eye's)
I opened a St. Mary's graduation invitation today....I remember opening the one you sent....your graduation was the last time I saw you....
Hey !!!!!!! still thinking about you every day. Talk to your sister, the younger one, about her arm!!!!!
You know what I'm talking about
Missed you today - but, I'm sure you were there.
I thought about you a bit during graduation, but it was weird...I didn't feel sad at all. Maybe somehow I just knew you were there. It wasn't until the drive home that I cried a bit- wondering what it would have been like if you had been there too...Would we have had a group family photo or just one group and the other? I miss you.
That should have been you walking down there with your sister..... The 5 year plan but a degree no less. WHY, WHY, WHY,?????? I was cutting the grass yesterday and started crying thinking about how I'd..... not bitch, but simply mention how you left a strip uncut.... sort of like a Mohawk down the middle of the yard.... bought that stupid mower with the self propelled feature..... I don't even use it. How I wish you would be here to cut the grasss one last time.... I'd settle for an afternoon with you, screw the grass... a beer..... now you know how much I miss you for me to offer to down a cold one....
grandma and I still talk about you, she misss you, loves you...., can't wait to see you. Night night my little boy!!! XOXOXO
Nite Nite little Boy...... Sweet dreams
OH, WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD?
TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES
COME ON AND COME TO ME NOW
DON'T BE ASHAMED TO CRY
LET ME SEE YOU THROUGH
'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THE DARK SIDE TOO
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
NOTHING YOU CONFESS
COULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
SO IF YOU'RE MAD, GET MAD
DON'T HOLD IT ALL INSIDE
COME ON AND TALK TO ME NOW
HEY, WHAT YOU GOT TO HIDE?
I GET ANGRY TOO
WELL I'M A LOT LIKE YOU
WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE CROSSROADS
AND DON'T KNOW WHICH PATH TO CHOOSE
LET ME COME ALONG
'CAUSE EVEN IF YOU'RE WRONG
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
AND WHEN...
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU
YOU'RE FEELING ALL ALONE
YOU WON'T BE ON YOUR OWN
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I keep hearing your music! Nite little Boy. I love you!!!!!
Life keeps moving along - I am convinced that your littlest sister is channeling you in her writing and music...you guys made quite a team...still have that picture of the two of you at the piano, laughing and playing, stuck in my mind. Miss you. Love you.
Sure do miss you - seems like more and more. Time is not necessarily a healing thing. Always wonder "why" and then feel really selfish, because I know you are so much better off...love you!
I keep thinking about you...I listened to your voice message and it is still your same voice.
Mr. Mudd...... life goes on till it's our time to say goodbye to everyone in our life...... Any clues you can give us some hints with.... Whooda thought things would turn out this way.
Nite Nite PJ..... I wish I could read to you again..... tell you some silly stories...
Miss you SO much...each day it is still unbelievable that you are not here...love you.
Your sister's got it right...
Got a package full of Wishes
A Time machine, a Magic Wand
A Globe made out of Gold
No Instructions or Commandments
Laws of Gravity or
Indecisions to uphold
Printed on the box I see
A.C.M.E.'s Build-a-World-to-be
Take a chance - Grab a piece
Help me to believe it
What kind of world do you want?
Think Anything
Let's start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now...
Should there be people or peoples
Money, Funny pedestals for Fools who never pay
Raise your Army - Choose your Steeple
Don't be shy, the satellites can look the other way
Lose the Earthquakes - Keep the Faults
Fill the oceans without the salt
Let every Man own his own Hand
What kind of world do you want
Think Anything
Let's start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now...
Sunlight's on the Bridge
Sunlight's on the Way
Tomorrow's Calling
There's more to this than Love
What Kind of world do you want
What Kind of world do you want
What Kind of world do you want
Think Anything
Let's start at the start
Build a masterpiece
History Starts Now
Be careful what you wish for
Start Now
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