Still waiting for you to walk in the door (I can hear the swoosh now), laugh your famous 1/2 laugh, 1/2 chuckle, and say - "HA, I REALLY FOOLED YOU ALL...this has to be the best joke ever." and then you sit down with a Red Bull for Steak and Baked Potatoes, or maybe some Roast or even spaghetti. Whatever you want!
In a week it will be 15 months, a drop in time but forever in all our memories... Things are moving slow but I do make progress. Your brother and sisters miss you so much as do all of us. There are so many things you should be doing!!!! I look at your pictures every day, listen to your music most every day, think about you countless times EVERY DAY!
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth Would care to know my name Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star Would choose to light the way For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea Would call out through the rain And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
I am Yours Whom shall I fear Whom shall I fear 'Cause I am Yours I am Yours
...and now, my sweet PJ, you know the truth of the Heavens...and you, who came as such a gift, are back with He who made you. I treasure the time that you were here and know that you are always close.
Hey Mr. Mudd, I sure wished you'd stayed in school...... In NM with your Sis..... I could really see you someplace like this.... Came across a bunch of film, not sure how old it is, part of it's in for development....... Yeah, film, who uses that media any more.... I hope to see on on some prints..... Running out of pics...
Hey PJ..... found one more picture of you in a group of undeveloped rolls of film. You were at Grandma's house playing ball if I remember correctly, Ha... my memory.... I've been thinking (and dreaming) a lot about death lately.... yours, my own. You'll laugh at the thought that just now rolled thru my head..... "now's not the right time". I've got some things to finish up first! I'm laughing and shaking my head right now, but you probably know that! Do you? Things are still so fucked up right now.....................................Night PJ
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality I believe that trust is more important than monogamy I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.
Thanks, Samantha, for being the littlest sister that PJ loved.
I believe I'm loved completely by the people I love
I believe you can appreciate real love as long as you want it
I believe there is NEVER a reason to see if the grass is greener on the other side
I believe when you have true love , contentment , happiness , family and friends , you do know what you have , it's just very painful to say goodbye , when life sends it our way
Happy Birthday PJ, 24 years ago today you were born to us and you remain my little boy! That's forever... till we meet again.... we will meet again won't we? I wish I knew for sure, wish I had more faith, stronger faith, on some days any faith.
Some of us are still hurting so bad PJ, as bad as you were when you walked among us! Do what you can, touch them in some way, let them know things will get better. What else can I say
I love you so much, so much more than you ever knew while on this earth!
A bit of trivia: Mary Lou Retton scored a Perfect 10on the vault in the 1984 Olympic Games on August 3 - a few minutes later Paul Francis Mudd, Jr was born!
Hi Mr Mudd... I worked the other day just down the road from that shit-hole of a place you died in. I was down on the main-line of the freeway so I didn't have to look at the place for 12 hours! I might have burned it down or blown it up. Not a threat just a reflection. I thought about you all day. No closer to figuring things out or understading anything still.
Thank you for being such a friend to me Oh I pray a friend for life And have I ever told you how much you mean to me Oh you're everything to me I'm thinkin all the time how to tell what I feel I'm contimplating phrases I'm gazing at eternity I am floating in serenity
And I am so lost for words And I am so overwhelmed
Please don't go just yet Can you stay a moment please? We can dance together and we can dance forever
Under your stars tonight We'll live and breathe this dream
Close your eyes but don't dream too deep and please pass me some memories But I fall you're underneath a thousand broken hearts Carried by a thousand broken wings A thousand broken wings
It's really hard to be on a list of people who have lost sons, daughters, brothers and sisters. Never, ever thought that would or could happen. What if...should have...wonder why... love you!
Hey Mr. PJ, We never climbed Squaw Peak together but I've left your calling card twice on top the Mountain. I figure it's paper and degradable. You know what they say, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You've been there and done that! Huh!
I'm at the Grand Canyon today. I ran down to the rim and walked for a bit along it's edge. Stopped a few times but finally found a spot just a bit off the walkway. Kinda quiet, off the beaten path. I just sat there and took it all in. Heard and saw some birds flying, soaring through space. I wondered if you can do that now in your own way! I'd like to think so. Monday was a hard day for some reason. I always get teary when I look back over the years in 36 minutes, even more so yesterday.
Today was sort of the other end of the spectrum... hopeful for lots of reasons. It's going to be cold here tonite. I'll look for you in the Sunrise tomorrow!
Thought of you all day on Monday...remember, we moved you into your own apartment that day...only it's been 2 years, now. Wish you had just stayed with me, just wish I had more moments with you. Love you, miss you.
Hi.... you are always surprising me.... One of your songs, do you know their your songs, I think you'd like them, I like them, I play them.... It just takes a few notes and my mind switches to thoughts of you. So many times throughout the da. Do you hear me thank you, Grandpa, Becky? Maybe you left the light on green just a bit longer, a beautiful cloud in the sky, a gentle breeze, something.... anything that goes my way.
Thanks PJ....
I love you and miss you so much!
Make sure you send me a sign congratulating me. I'm single again. Perhaps sooner and things could have been different, you think???? I'll always wonder, I'll always be sorry for all my omissions!
Hey PJ, well, I'm finally painting the rest of the house. took long enough! Your sister got me off my ass! When we got started I thought back to when I was redoing the Master bedroom, I was sleeping on Andy's bed, you were in my room on the floor. I was painting, patching, etc in my room. I remember waking up to wake you up so you could drive that green Chevy of Carls to work security at the old Williams AFB for that movie they were filming... The Kingdom.... You were such an extreme....... I don't know what to call it. There were so many things you were unable (maybe unwilling) to do yet you could score heroin just like ordering a cheeseburger. I'll never understand but maybe someday you'll be able to explain it to me!
Anyway the house is coming along, have a bunch of crap I need to get rid of.
Well, now you have Scamper up there with you. Hope he's having fun, making noise and keeping you awake...like he used to do while playing on his wheel in your room. The two of you made good roomies, since he liked being up at night and so did you! Love you..........................
I guess I'll always wonder...was there something I could have said or done to make you think of all of us before you took that last hit. Why didn't you call?
I so wish you were here among us in the physical sense..... one that allows me to hear from you, see you, get mad at you. I stare at my computer into your smiling face every single day.... it's like you're laughing at me..... Are you? Do you now something I don't?
Eighteen months...... a moment, a lifetime. You're with me daily..... my thoughts, some dreams. We all miss you so much..... this is such a hard week, the joy...... the sorrow..... the despair! Having people tell me "this is the best thing"!
I would take our worst day, (not that one)..... me kicking you out of the house and watching you walk down the street and if I could repeat it like a movie on continious rewind I would do so for the chance to have you back!
Closer still.. Katie's big day, I guess a big day for all of us! You should have been here to share in it with us. I suppose you will, different space and place!
Hey Mr. Mudd .................................................... Still thinking, wondering, wishing things were different..... but they're not are they? Won't be either!
Come on now, PJ would have been a great President, just like Obama...compassionate, even-tempered and concerned about social justice! Too bad PJ couldn't vote - would have been interesting!
OH...... you are the lucky one....... to have another dream with Paul would be grand indeed. No answers, no solutions, no reasons, no guilt...... nothing but........ some time with him!
Hey Mr Mudd... I was condensing some things out of big boxes to little boxes over the weekend. I found probably 3O empty cases with either no movie or no CD. The good news, I found a few more scraps of paper with your lyrics written on them. I cried and cried.... had to put them away!
I talked to a groundskeeping supervisor the other day. Meth was his drug.... he got clean.... two and a half years...... I talked about you..... (heavy sigh!)
I keep finding random things to buy for you and then I remember...
I'm doing better day to day and then all the sudden I'm crying and missing you so much. How could you have started all this? I know you never thought this would happen, but now what? What am I supposed to do without you? Who do I go to? Was it all so bad? Was it worth it? I just miss you so much. I don't know what to do now that you're gone.
I wonder if you know that you are never far from our thoughts. When we're having fun..."remember when PJ would...and then we'll laugh" or "I bet PJ would like that..." or just silence because everyone is thinking the same thing - PJ. Love you.
Hope you know how much I miss you, miss talking with you, arguing with you, laughing with you. Haven't had a really good "belly" laugh since you've been gone. Love you.
It will be 2 years before any of us know it? How could time have gone on! How do we continue to go on. At times it seems like it never happened.... others...... It's like we just got the news and are still in a state of disbelief! O M G
Someone near and dear to you took a big leap this last week. You'd be as proud of her as I am! Looking at things now, nearly two years later I still don't know what drew you two together but I wish you had been more open to ...... what, I'm not sure... solutions, help, honesty, accepting yourself! We miss you, I miss you, so damn much!!
Last night I drove by that "place" where you died. I thought about that c_ _ _ sucker who ran the place. We all thought you were pulling it together! Maybe you were, you just didn't get a chance to finish. So now you sit, in a "container", in your Mom's house. We just couldn't figure out what to do with you while you were walking this earth.......and life still hasn't changed in that regard now that you're gone!
John and your Mom got the latest pictures posted. That may be the last of them. I've exhausted everything I can find looking for more. Wish I had more pictures... wish I had more video, wish I had more lyrics, wish I had more music....... I GUESS I REALLY WISH THAT I HAD YOU HERE WITH ME.
30 days.... but I suppose every day is actually an anniversary..... of sorts! It's not getting any easier PJ..... Not that I expected it to!
I drive up 7th Ave, past the methadone clinic, nearly every day. They fixed that back exit gate but the place is still a dump. A business, making money off the addictions of people. I wish we could have found what it was you needed.
I have so many thoughts of you running through my mind, but all I can get out is "I miss you" I only hope you really, deep down knew how much we all loved you, no matter what, and still do!
Okay, I'll say it ... it won't be popular but ... PJ was a good kid, accept he stole, threatened my kids and he was a brat! I can't believe no one has said this before! Sure, we all miss him, but DON'T PUT HIM ON A PEDISTAL! Also, whose idea was it to sell PJ Gear? Tami, are you benefitting from these profits too?! Wouldn't be surprised ... come back to reality, and the requirements of God!
THE PERSON THAT LEFT THE NASTY...... UNCALLED FOR ABOVE MESSAGE , I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW IT WAS THE WRONG THING TOO DO !!!!!!
THE MUDD FAMILY IS DEALING WITH THEIR PAIN THE WAY THEY KNOW HOW AND I'M PROUD OF THEM BEING BRAVE AND STRONG. I UNDERSTAND THEIR PAIN , UNLESS YOU BEEN IN THEIR SHOES..... YOU HAVE NO RIGHT !!!!!!
IF YOU ARE WHO I THINK YOU ARE YOU DID .......(( SO MUCH WRONG TO THEM OVER THE YEARS )).....SO IT WAS A GOOD THING YOU LEFT THE GOOD MUDD FAMILY . ... SO THEY CAN GO FORWARD !!!!!
PAUL AND TAMI LOVE THEIR KIDS AND ALWAYS HAVE AND ARE VERY GOOD PARENTS !!!!!!!
THE PERSON THAT POSTED THE ABOVE MESSAGE ..... SHOULD BE A SHAME OF YOURSELF FOR YOUR MESSAGE AS WELL AS EVERYTHING ELSE YOU'VE DONE !!!!
THE ABOVE MESSAGE SHOULD BE DELETED AS WELL AS MINE , THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO MEAN TO THE FAMILY , I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT AND I WANT THE FAMILY KNOW I HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF LOVE FOR ALL OF THEM AN ADMIRE THEM .
I'M SO SORRY FOR THE ABOVE MEAN MESSAGE TOWARDS ALL OF YOU FOR THE VERY UNHAPPY PERSON THAT LEFT IT !!!!
Wow, so much drama...and started by somebody who wanted to be ANONYMOUS. You have a right to your opinion...thing is so do I.
Plus, I think my opinion and feelings count more than yours, this time, anyway!!!
I knew PJ since conception and for most of his life, he was someone to be proud of.
If you really knew PJ you would know that any threats came from the drugs talking, not him. I am sorry that you had to endure this, I apologize for that.
I lost my son, even when he was alive, to those drugs, and I know that that THING that he became was not him. Stealing, Lying, Dishonest...that describes the drug addict...sounds like most addicts, doesn't it?
If you only knew that PJ, you really missed out!
The great thing, and the saddest, is that PJ tried, hard, in the end, to overcome all of that. We, his family, had OUR PJ back! That's why his last slip was SO hard. We all, including PJ, were positive he could overcome this and be better for it.
Unfortunately, GOD had other plans.
No one, especially me, has put PJ on a pedestal - but I do thank him for making me a more compassionate and pro-active person when it comes to addiction, the people and families that live with it.
Funny you should say he was a "brat" because of all the things, good and bad, you can say about him, "brat" is probably the most inaccurate!
I love and will always love my child, my son, unconditionally. I will not apologize for that.
It was hell going through this with him and we will never be the same. But, I choose to celebrate the person Paul Mudd, Jr. truly was. The sensitive, honest, caring individual that gave homeless people his last dollars and shared his cheeseburgers with them! That was who he was for most of his life.
If you want to carry hatred and anger around, too bad. We're not asking anyone to read, write or visit this blog. Please don't, if it upsets you too much. On the other hand, if you want to continue in this way - feel free, just be up front and sign your blog. Don't be a coward.
By the way, if you look at the PJ Gear, it clearly says no one is making a profit on this. It is more an inside joke - PJ loved music and wanted to be a touring star...all tours have t-shirts. Get it...you probably don't.
And in closing, I have never left God, nor He me. If you are such a know-it-all on us (me), then you would know that, too.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I always enjoy a good debate! Just ask Paul, Sr!
#1. Looking over this blog again I don't see any posting that puts him on a pedestal; just a group of family and friends grieving for their son/brother/friend.
#2. "...requirements of God"? Doesn't the bible say (paraphrasing here) "let the person who is free of all sin cast the first stone."? Unless that earlier post was from the Big Guy himself - I don't think anyone commenting to this blog has the right to call someone out about the requirements of God.
#3. The reality is that PJ/Paul is gone. You (earlier post person)might not miss him but there are plenty of people out there that still do. This is something we started to help us share stories, thoughts, memories, etc. about him- leave us to do that...
Mr or Mrs or Miss Anonymous.... I wasn't going to reply but .... will offer the following. I loved (and still do) my son unconditionally as I do ALL my children. I offer no excuses for him and his behavior during his short time here with us, just as I offer none for my own. I'll leave it up to God to judge PJ and myself for our sins while on this earth. PJ has already paid a high price as have all of us who knew and loved him, be they his family or friends!
15 days PJ to your two year anniversary..... A co-worker used your name and story with a female he had contact with, a 21 year old heroin user in possession of paraphernalia. She was on her way to her Mom's house. Her Mom had gotten her into a treatment program. She was supposed to check in that day! He asked if she knew you! I got a bit excited, wondering if she knew you..... She didn't..... What was I thinking, a city this size, wondering if one heroin user knew another! He told her your story, she cried a little. Real tears ..... I don't know. I talk about you too, your problems, your death. You'd probably be aghast, us talking about you. Too bad, So sad!!!! Sucks to be you, Sucks to be us!!!
Well..... looks like things quieted down a bit. Even sitting on your great grandmothers buffet at your Mom's house you're causing trouble. Ha.... go figure! Lots of things going on Mr. Mudd, but I suppose you know that!
Eight more days till two years have gone by. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, talk to you, thank you for an occasional green traffic signal light, look at your face in photos, read that lousy report and sit on MY porch swing where I got the news..........
Just wishing you were here...tomorrow is 2 years since I last saw you, hugged you, spent time with you, fed you, kissed you goodbye! Hard times are these.
Unfortunately I'm the first to leave a message on this 2 year mark. Hard to believe it has been that long already. I feel like I just found out. My heart still hurts when I think about all you're missing out on with us. I know things are better for you and you're not in pain. I just wish I could go back and shake you until you realized how much I (we) love you. Do you know that now? I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I feel like I let you down. I thought I was doing the right thing- being tough; letting you know that we were serious this time. If I had tried harder would you still be here? I love you so much.
Sorry you missed the roast, potatoes, fruit salad, salads, pie, mousse cake and brownies - hope you know how much we all love you. Even brought "shrimpies" and A-1 in your honor!!
Hey Mr. Mudd.... another day, another..... day without you around. Family was over...... Didn't think about it till everyone was gone but.... we didn't really talk about .... You! Not good, not bad.... just the way it was. We've all cried so many tears, thought all those thoughts, tried all that bargaining.... but things are the way things are.
We can try and change ourselves, we can work on changing the future but we can't change the past Son.... Much as I want to!
...... First tears I've cried today.... I Love you PJ!
Hey Mr Mudd....been stopping by but haven't left you any notes! Miss you badly. Just sitting here and can't think of much to say at this moment. Lots of thoughts in my mind.... you know them all!
..... stand on my porch, I see you sitting there on the swing. I present options to you,.... you don't like them. You walk away down the road....... looking like so many I see walking down my street. Is their story the same as yours?
I made choices, you made choices, we all do. Who would have thought life could be so fucked up! Would you have done things different? We won't know! I would have! Would it have changed things? We won't know!
Another Mothers day come and gone. I've been thinking of you a lot these last few days. Still thinking about all the coulda and shoulda beens. I know, I'm a dreamer. Isn't there a song with those lyrices Mr. Mudd????
Hey Mr. Mudd, Summer is here to stay. Hit Squaw Peak today thinking about you. Thought about John Carlson and when you guys would go play ar Granada Park. We never did catch any fish there did we?
"don't you see the boy?....the boy with the blue eyes..." have you been visiting Grandma again? Almost every night when she goes to bed... I think it must be you... We all miss you so much. love you PJ!
Okay, so I found the picture album that had the "new" pics in it...was that what the light was all about? Strange, it went off right after I found it...and stayed off! Love you.
Birthdays come and go, but yours remains the same...22 is just too young to stop having birthdays...take some of mine and come back and join us for awhile longer...guess that won't happen...but i can always wish...
Going through my things and found a dvd that wasn't labeled. Popped it into my player and realized it was your movie. From the start of the first song I was crying, sometimes laughing, but mostly crying. I miss you so much. There were so many pictures I had forgotten about. Hearing you strum your guitar in one part brought me to tears again. I've already started to forget what your playing sounded like.
You're missing out on so much- not being here. I've gotten past the "wishing you would somehow call me so I can hear your voice again" phase; the staying up all night crying/heaving/can't breathe phase, and many more - so I know I'm getting better at dealing with you being gone. It still hurts so much. I've been hearing your songs playing a lot lately at different places I've been- and it's comforting, yet hurts my heart to hear them.
Saw a double rainbow a few weeks ago while driving. Also saw the sun's rays shining from behind a cloud. Seeing things like this makes me think of you automatically. Other people may look at things like that and just marvel at them; I see those things and want to believe you're saying "hi" and checking up on all of us. I miss you so much.
I just wonder what all of our lives would be like if you were still here. I like to think that you made it, you did it, all by yourself like you said you would and that you were finding a way to accept your struggles without drugs or alcohol. I don't think everyone would be one big happy family, but at least you were here on earth and I could call you whenever I wanted, and grab you and hug you at any time. It's so hard knowing that I can't do those things- I look at those pictures and I'm so frustrated. There won't be any more to take with you; everything with you is done at 22, but I wasn't ready to be done.
People say everything happens for a reason- what's the reason for this? Why?
WOW, Ditto to all that was written in that last note. I see things also ..... that traffic light that stays green just long enough for me to get through it..... legally. Thanks PJ.... I drive past the Hilton, see their shuttle van on the road... yeah, I'll sometimes speed up, pull up next to it to see if you might be driving... How F_ _ ked up is that PJ :)I wish I could see dead people, wish I could see you one last time.
Someone told me recently that I needed to forgive myself, for what I'm still holding onto. That at 22 years of age you were an adult, making adult choices. That "YOU" don't hold me responsible, that God doesn't even hold me responsible for what happened. That you were simply "on loan" to me, subject to being called back to heaven at a moments notice. I'm trying to work on those thoughts. Maybe you can help me with that PJ. I LOVE YOU!!
I'm sure your big sis would have loved your help right now...even if you don't know the difference between a wrench and a screw driver...HA...thinking about your homemade t-shirt when we were working on Vernon...the one with the big L on it...you always made me laugh even when I was REALLY mad! Love you...miss you!
Well, 13 years ago tonight your little sister Samantha was born. It was a happy time for us all, and you welcomed her with open arms.
Everytime we celebrate a family milestone, it's always bittersweet these days. Would have been different having you eat Fondue with us this evening (we wouldn't have said No thanks to the shrimp on the menu like we did for starters!).
Hoping you are watching over Samantha as she makes her way through life. She misses her big brother so much -- she tells us that all the time in her own way.
Nite nite PJ. I know you're here with us, just not the way we all want you to be.
Was thinking about you playing basketball at MBA at Madison 1 and at Madison Park. Drove past them both today! Your birthday is coming up...... 25 years.... (Heavy Sigh)
Just living life and moving through, enjoying your sisters and trying to make a difference and SLAM right in the face something reminds me of you and this intense pain just rushes through me.
Wow, 3 years since you were hanging out in the back of your dad's truck...how awful a time was that...somehow, even with the pain, I know you are so much better off now. Just wish it could have been different for you. I'm so sorry.
Your birthday is just around the corner...I remember where you were 25 years ago...you were supposed to be born TODAY, on Fr. Kelly's birthday...love you.
PJ..please help your family get through what would have been your 25th birthday. I know they all need to know that you are doing better up there than they are all doing down here. I can't imagine it gets any easier for them but just show them that rainbow..or the sun behind the cloud..or anything to make them remember that while you were only here for such a short time...you loved them as much as they still love you.
Happy Birthday Mr. Mudd, 25 years since you came into this world. What was your hurry to leave it? Life has it's daily challenges but just a little time makes them easier to handle. Left your card on top Squaw Peak, yeah I littered. We never made it up there did we? You probably would have whined..... I miss that whine.
We should be shoveling gravel somewhere together today...remember, seemed like every year some fix-it project landed on your birthday out in the HOT sun...talk about whining...I miss it, too.
212 comments:
1 – 200 of 212 Newer› Newest»Still waiting for you to walk in the door (I can hear the swoosh now), laugh your famous 1/2 laugh, 1/2 chuckle, and say - "HA, I REALLY FOOLED YOU ALL...this has to be the best joke ever." and then you sit down with a Red Bull for Steak and Baked Potatoes, or maybe some Roast or even spaghetti. Whatever you want!
Good nite Mr. Mudd,
In a week it will be 15 months, a drop in time but forever in all our memories... Things are moving slow but I do make progress. Your brother and sisters miss you so much as do all of us. There are so many things you should be doing!!!! I look at your pictures every day, listen to your music most every day, think about you countless times EVERY DAY!
He who forgets his past is lost...Sudanese proverb
Who Am I by Casting Crowns
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
...and now, my sweet PJ, you know the truth of the Heavens...and you, who came as such a gift, are back with He who made you. I treasure the time that you were here and know that you are always close.
Thanks for finding my rings.
Good Night Mr Peedddd man. Still finding pictures....... Problem is you aren't getting any older. Ha .... I am.
Love you
Your Uncle is having issues of his own. Do what you can from your end! Night PJ, I love you forever!!
It's really lonely without you!
Night night Mr PJ
Hey Mr. Mudd, I sure wished you'd stayed in school...... In NM with your Sis..... I could really see you someplace like this.... Came across a bunch of film, not sure how old it is, part of it's in for development....... Yeah, film, who uses that media any more.... I hope to see on on some prints..... Running out of pics...
Love you!!!!!
why???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Hey PJ..... found one more picture of you in a group of undeveloped rolls of film. You were at Grandma's house playing ball if I remember correctly, Ha... my memory.... I've been thinking (and dreaming) a lot about death lately.... yours, my own. You'll laugh at the thought that just now rolled thru my head..... "now's not the right time". I've got some things to finish up first! I'm laughing and shaking my head right now, but you probably know that! Do you? Things are still so fucked up right now.....................................Night PJ
Affirmation by Savage Garden
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.
Thanks, Samantha, for being the littlest sister that PJ loved.
I believe the sun should set on Love
I believe happiness comes from within and Love
I believe I'm loved completely by the people I love
I believe you can appreciate real love as long as you want it
I believe there is NEVER a reason to see if the grass is greener on the other side
I believe when you have true love , contentment , happiness , family and friends , you do know what you have , it's just very painful to say goodbye , when life sends it our way
I believe wedding bliss is happiness
I BELIEVE IN LOVE SURVIVING DEATH INTO ETERNITY
I miss you...
Can;t believe your birthday is almost here again, and we have to "celebrate" without you...
"Fire is dangerous; play with other things."
Zimbabwean proverb
Happy Birthday PJ, 24 years ago today you were born to us and you remain my little boy! That's forever... till we meet again.... we will meet again won't we? I wish I knew for sure, wish I had more faith, stronger faith, on some days any faith.
Some of us are still hurting so bad PJ, as bad as you were when you walked among us! Do what you can, touch them in some way, let them know things will get better. What else can I say
I love you so much, so much more than you ever knew while on this earth!
Good night PJ... be with me!
Happy Birthday, PJ. Thanks for the time that we had with you...sounds so "canned" but it's true. Love you.
A bit of trivia:
Mary Lou Retton scored a Perfect 10on the vault in the 1984 Olympic Games on August 3 - a few minutes later Paul Francis Mudd, Jr was born!
Happy Birthday PJ....Come visit in a dream again...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO P.J. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! Come visit us in all our dreams soon!
Happy Birthday PJ, miss you
Andy
Another day in paradise.... Is that my day or your day??? Inquiring minds want to know.
Missing you...say happy birthday to grandma pencil...
I really need you right now. Tell me what to ddo. I'm so lost without you.
Hi Mr Mudd... I worked the other day just down the road from that shit-hole of a place you died in. I was down on the main-line of the freeway so I didn't have to look at the place for 12 hours! I might have burned it down or blown it up. Not a threat just a reflection. I thought about you all day. No closer to figuring things out or understading anything still.
Broken Wings by Flyleaf
Thank you for being
such a friend to me
Oh I pray a friend for life
And have I ever told you
how much you mean to me
Oh you're everything to me
I'm thinkin all the time
how to tell what I feel
I'm contimplating phrases
I'm gazing at eternity
I am floating in serenity
And I am so lost for words
And I am so overwhelmed
Please don't go just yet
Can you stay a moment please?
We can dance together
and we can dance forever
Under your stars tonight
We'll live and breathe this dream
Close your eyes
but don't dream too deep
and please pass me some memories
But I fall you're underneath
a thousand broken hearts
Carried by a thousand broken wings
A thousand broken wings
Wish you were coming with us tomorrow...guess you will be...just different...I love you.
Wish you were coming with us tomorrow...guess you will be...just different...I love you.
Love you. Miss you. Always thinking of you.
It's been a very long day. Hope you're out there somewhere....
Hope to see you soon. Love you.
It's really hard to be on a list of people who have lost sons, daughters, brothers and sisters. Never, ever thought that would or could happen. What if...should have...wonder why... love you!
Love ya PJ........
Hey Mr. PJ,
We never climbed Squaw Peak together but I've left your calling card twice on top the Mountain. I figure it's paper and degradable. You know what they say, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You've been there and done that! Huh!
I'm at the Grand Canyon today. I ran down to the rim and walked for a bit along it's edge. Stopped a few times but finally found a spot just a bit off the walkway. Kinda quiet, off the beaten path. I just sat there and took it all in. Heard and saw some birds flying, soaring through space. I wondered if you can do that now in your own way! I'd like to think so. Monday was a hard day for some reason. I always get teary when I look back over the years in 36 minutes, even more so yesterday.
Today was sort of the other end of the spectrum... hopeful for lots of reasons. It's going to be cold here tonite. I'll look for you in the Sunrise tomorrow!
Nite Nite, I Love you!
Thought of you all day on Monday...remember, we moved you into your own apartment that day...only it's been 2 years, now. Wish you had just stayed with me, just wish I had more moments with you. Love you, miss you.
the other day it was windy. i walked past a guy and he smelled something like you - is that weird? suddenly i had tears in my eyes.
i'm sorry if i didn't do enough when you were here.
Are you sitting on a cloud, once again, watching me cry? Why couldn't you stay alittle while longer??????
Hi.... you are always surprising me.... One of your songs, do you know their your songs, I think you'd like them, I like them, I play them.... It just takes a few notes and my mind switches to thoughts of you. So many times throughout the da. Do you hear me thank you, Grandpa, Becky? Maybe you left the light on green just a bit longer, a beautiful cloud in the sky, a gentle breeze, something.... anything that goes my way.
Thanks PJ....
I love you and miss you so much!
Make sure you send me a sign congratulating me. I'm single again. Perhaps sooner and things could have been different, you think???? I'll always wonder, I'll always be sorry for all my omissions!
Just missing you.
Hey PJ,
well, I'm finally painting the rest of the house. took long enough! Your sister got me off my ass! When we got started I thought back to when I was redoing the Master bedroom, I was sleeping on Andy's bed, you were in my room on the floor. I was painting, patching, etc in my room. I remember waking up to wake you up so you could drive that green Chevy of Carls to work security at the old Williams AFB for that movie they were filming... The Kingdom.... You were such an extreme....... I don't know what to call it. There were so many things you were unable (maybe unwilling) to do yet you could score heroin just like ordering a cheeseburger. I'll never understand but maybe someday you'll be able to explain it to me!
Anyway the house is coming along, have a bunch of crap I need to get rid of.
Iknow, I know.... I always do
Love You as always and as much!!
Well, now you have Scamper up there with you. Hope he's having fun, making noise and keeping you awake...like he used to do while playing on his wheel in your room. The two of you made good roomies, since he liked being up at night and so did you! Love you..........................
I guess I'll always wonder...was there something I could have said or done to make you think of all of us before you took that last hit. Why didn't you call?
Sometimes I feel so lost without you.
"DITTO"!
"DITTO, 2"
It seems to be a rough week...
I so wish you were here among us in the physical sense..... one that allows me to hear from you, see you, get mad at you. I stare at my computer into your smiling face every single day.... it's like you're laughing at me..... Are you? Do you now something I don't?
I still cry constantly, I wonder if thats healthy most days.. but who cares! I wish you were here to make things better. You were always good at that.
The next week would be so much better if you were here! Or will you join us...hope so...
Hey PJ, thanks for the sign you're still around. I love you!
Eighteen months...... a moment, a lifetime. You're with me daily..... my thoughts, some dreams. We all miss you so much..... this is such a hard week, the joy...... the sorrow..... the despair! Having people tell me "this is the best thing"!
I would take our worst day, (not that one)..... me kicking you out of the house and watching you walk down the street and if I could repeat it like a movie on continious rewind I would do so for the chance to have you back!
Keep having to wipe my eyes for some reason!
Love You!
Closer still.. Katie's big day, I guess a big day for all of us! You should have been here to share in it with us. I suppose you will, different space and place!
Pray for us... pray for me!
I know your sister is wishing you were here to make her laugh and put everything into perspective...you know how to do it...just do it! Love you!!!
PJ:
Just thinkin' of you today, and how handsome you would have looked in your tuxedo standing next to David.
Let your sister know I'm thinkin' of her on her BIG day and love her and our family more than they may ever know!
YOU KNOW HOW TO GIVE US THE SIGNS!
Love you! (Thank you for being with me last week!)
Auntie T
A rainbow and YOU, how wonderful...I know that Grandma and Grandpa were in on it, too! Thanks, it helped! Love you!
I really miss you!
"it's been so lonely without u here
I'm like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop this lonely rain from falling
Tell me, where did i go wrong?
nothing compares 2 u"
Hey Mr. Mudd .................................................... Still thinking, wondering, wishing things were different..... but they're not are they? Won't be either!
Love you, but you know that! :)
Each day just goes by...
sometimes it seems like it's all we can do is put one foot in front of the other!
Night PJ :)
Life goes on for us..... some call it life.... others say it's waiting for the other shoe to fall. Which is it Paul?
I was at the mall the other day..... first time since I picked you up there that evening after work, not so long ago!
Monday a ride.... Thursday you're dead! What a difference a few days makes.
I'm sorry I didn't go in to see you at work. I miss you so much. I miss your voice. I miss everything about you. I just miss you.
Ditto!
I'm not really sure why people think that life should just go on as usual, when the "as usual" will never be again...
Nineteen months later..... I have more questions now than I did eighteen months ago! Does it ever end?
GD..... SOB
Who would have thought.... you'd be dead!
The Country would elect a black man president with no more experience than he has!
I'm still staring at the screen and can't find any more words to put to.......Screen!
Come on now, PJ would have been a great President, just like Obama...compassionate, even-tempered and concerned about social justice! Too bad PJ couldn't vote - would have been interesting!
You suddenly have been in my dreams the last few nights, all night long. What's up???
OH...... you are the lucky one....... to have another dream with Paul would be grand indeed. No answers, no solutions, no reasons, no guilt...... nothing but........ some time with him!
Are you listening PJ?
I'm sure your laughing at me right now!!
: (
Hey Mr Mudd... I was condensing some things out of big boxes to little boxes over the weekend. I found probably 3O empty cases with either no movie or no CD.
The good news, I found a few more scraps of paper with your lyrics written on them. I cried and cried.... had to put them away!
I talked to a groundskeeping supervisor the other day. Meth was his drug.... he got clean.... two and a half years...... I talked about you..... (heavy sigh!)
Talked about you again today..... heroin was his drug..... for 16 years..... (((((((((()))))))))
Just miss your hugs. Love you.
Good night Mr. Mudd
I never stop talking about you! Your ears must be ringing! :)
I never stop talking about you! Your ears must be ringing! :)
Saved the wishbone for you. Love you.
Miss you so much!
My heart is aching...
New pictures today..... old pictures actually..... I can't stop crying..... when will it end?
(heavy sigh, wet cheeks, red eye's?
I keep finding random things to buy for you and then I remember...
I'm doing better day to day and then all the sudden I'm crying and missing you so much. How could you have started all this? I know you never thought this would happen, but now what? What am I supposed to do without you? Who do I go to? Was it all so bad? Was it worth it? I just miss you so much. I don't know what to do now that you're gone.
I wonder if you know that you are never far from our thoughts. When we're having fun..."remember when PJ would...and then we'll laugh" or "I bet PJ would like that..." or just silence because everyone is thinking the same thing - PJ. Love you.
Hope to see you soon.
Nite Nite Mr. Peed!
I have alot of Christmas wishes...but the one I want most just won't come true...
TUTTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Merry Christmas, PJ.
..... Andrews Grandma gave me this tuttle, Andrew says it a good one..... I got more tuttles!
I miss you so much little boy!
Merry Christmas
Hope you know how much I miss you, miss talking with you, arguing with you, laughing with you. Haven't had a really good "belly" laugh since you've been gone. Love you.
happy new year
For those of us you left behind, come visit often in 2009.....
A Poet......
Wouldn't you know it!.....
We all miss you so much...
but you know that!
I wish it would have been me and not you. I'm waiting for it all to be a dream.
Wish you were here to celebrate Katie's big birthday...ah, well...just breathe...
Wow.. a bunch of new (old) pictures.
It will be 2 years before any of us know it? How could time have gone on! How do we continue to go on. At times it seems like it never happened.... others...... It's like we just got the news and are still in a state of disbelief! O M G
Can't ever get through a day without a few tears...love you.
What a monumental day - you would have loved it! Miss you...love you...
looking into the clouds and wondering if you are looking back
What is there to say anymore... You read my thoughts, you know how all of us feel!
Hey Mr. Mudd,
Someone near and dear to you took a big leap this last week. You'd be as proud of her as I am! Looking at things now, nearly two years later I still don't know what drew you two together but I wish you had been more open to ...... what, I'm not sure... solutions, help, honesty, accepting yourself! We miss you, I miss you, so damn much!!
I heard someone strumming a guitar on tv the other day and my heart started to ache.
Guess I'm just in the wrong place at the wrong time, again...sorry.
Just remembering 2 years ago
...Miss doing your taxes...
So, you went missing 2 years ago, now I will always know where my little boy is! Love you.
You continue to teach me alot. Love you.
life sux
Last night I drove by that "place" where you died. I thought about that c_ _ _ sucker who ran the place. We all thought you were pulling it together! Maybe you were, you just didn't get a chance to finish. So now you sit, in a "container", in your Mom's house. We just couldn't figure out what to do with you while you were walking this earth.......and life still hasn't changed in that regard now that you're gone!
Remember you leaving Salvation Army?
.......didn't like the religion thing. Hmmmmmm! Now you know if there is there is a hereafter and the rest of us, okay "me", are still wondering.
Miss you. Having a really hard time without you.
Thanks for all that you brought to my life both before and after your death! I LOVE You, we all do!
Hey, congrats on your job at Sharper Image on Feb 20, 2007!
Just missing you.
John and your Mom got the latest pictures posted. That may be the last of them. I've exhausted everything I can find looking for more. Wish I had more pictures... wish I had more video, wish I had more lyrics, wish I had more music....... I GUESS I REALLY WISH THAT I HAD YOU HERE WITH ME.
Nite PJ!
30 days.... but I suppose every day is actually an anniversary..... of sorts! It's not getting any easier PJ..... Not that I expected it to!
I drive up 7th Ave, past the methadone clinic, nearly every day. They fixed that back exit gate but the place is still a dump. A business, making money off the addictions of people. I wish we could have found what it was you needed.
Good Night PJ!
I have so many thoughts of you running through my mind, but all I can get out is "I miss you" I only hope you really, deep down knew how much we all loved you, no matter what, and still do!
Okay, I'll say it ... it won't be popular but ... PJ was a good kid, accept he stole, threatened my kids and he was a brat! I can't believe no one has said this before! Sure, we all miss him, but DON'T PUT HIM ON A PEDISTAL! Also, whose idea was it to sell PJ Gear? Tami, are you benefitting from these profits too?! Wouldn't be surprised ... come back to reality, and the requirements of God!
THE PERSON THAT LEFT THE NASTY...... UNCALLED FOR ABOVE MESSAGE , I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW IT WAS THE WRONG THING TOO DO !!!!!!
THE MUDD FAMILY IS DEALING WITH THEIR PAIN THE WAY THEY KNOW HOW AND I'M PROUD OF THEM BEING BRAVE AND STRONG. I UNDERSTAND THEIR PAIN , UNLESS YOU BEEN IN THEIR SHOES..... YOU HAVE NO RIGHT !!!!!!
IF YOU ARE WHO I THINK YOU ARE YOU DID .......(( SO MUCH WRONG TO THEM OVER THE YEARS )).....SO IT WAS A GOOD THING YOU LEFT THE GOOD MUDD FAMILY . ... SO THEY CAN GO FORWARD !!!!!
PAUL AND TAMI LOVE THEIR KIDS AND ALWAYS HAVE AND ARE VERY GOOD PARENTS !!!!!!!
THE PERSON THAT POSTED THE ABOVE MESSAGE ..... SHOULD BE A SHAME OF YOURSELF FOR YOUR MESSAGE AS WELL AS EVERYTHING ELSE YOU'VE DONE !!!!
THE ABOVE MESSAGE SHOULD BE DELETED AS WELL AS MINE , THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO MEAN TO THE FAMILY , I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT AND I WANT THE FAMILY KNOW I HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF LOVE FOR ALL OF THEM AN ADMIRE THEM .
I'M SO SORRY FOR THE ABOVE MEAN MESSAGE TOWARDS ALL OF YOU FOR THE VERY UNHAPPY PERSON THAT LEFT IT !!!!
Wow, so much drama...and started by somebody who wanted to be ANONYMOUS. You have a right to your opinion...thing is so do I.
Plus, I think my opinion and feelings count more than yours, this time, anyway!!!
I knew PJ since conception and for most of his life, he was someone to be proud of.
If you really knew PJ you would know that any threats came from the drugs talking, not him. I am sorry that you had to endure this, I apologize for that.
I lost my son, even when he was alive, to those drugs, and I know that that THING that he became was not him. Stealing, Lying, Dishonest...that describes the drug addict...sounds like most addicts, doesn't it?
If you only knew that PJ, you really missed out!
The great thing, and the saddest, is that PJ tried, hard, in the end, to overcome all of that. We, his family, had OUR PJ back! That's why his last slip was SO hard. We all, including PJ, were positive he could overcome this and be better for it.
Unfortunately, GOD had other plans.
No one, especially me, has put PJ on a pedestal - but I do thank him for making me a more compassionate and pro-active person when it comes to addiction, the people and families that live with it.
Funny you should say he was a "brat" because of all the things, good and bad, you can say about him, "brat" is probably the most inaccurate!
I love and will always love my child, my son, unconditionally. I will not apologize for that.
It was hell going through this with him and we will never be the same. But, I choose to celebrate the person Paul Mudd, Jr. truly was. The sensitive, honest, caring individual that gave homeless people his last dollars and shared his cheeseburgers with them! That was who he was for most of his life.
If you want to carry hatred and anger around, too bad. We're not asking anyone to read, write or visit this blog. Please don't, if it upsets you too much. On the other hand, if you want to continue in this way - feel free, just be up front and sign your blog. Don't be a coward.
By the way, if you look at the PJ Gear, it clearly says no one is making a profit on this. It is more an inside joke - PJ loved music and wanted to be a touring star...all tours have t-shirts. Get it...you probably don't.
And in closing, I have never left God, nor He me. If you are such a know-it-all on us (me), then you would know that, too.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I always enjoy a good debate! Just ask Paul, Sr!
Tamera "Tami" Mudd Zivic, You Know, PJ's MOM
Just three comments:
#1. Looking over this blog again I don't see any posting that puts him on a pedestal; just a group of family and friends grieving for their son/brother/friend.
#2. "...requirements of God"? Doesn't the bible say (paraphrasing here) "let the person who is free of all sin cast the first stone."? Unless that earlier post was from the Big Guy himself - I don't think anyone commenting to this blog has the right to call someone out about the requirements of God.
#3. The reality is that PJ/Paul is gone. You (earlier post person)might not miss him but there are plenty of people out there that still do. This is something we started to help us share stories, thoughts, memories, etc. about him- leave us to do that...
Mr or Mrs or Miss Anonymous.... I wasn't going to reply but .... will offer the following. I loved (and still do) my son unconditionally as I do ALL my children. I offer no excuses for him and his behavior during his short time here with us, just as I offer none for my own. I'll leave it up to God to judge PJ and myself for our sins while on this earth. PJ has already paid a high price as have all of us who knew and loved him, be they his family or friends!
21 days short of two years PJ and your still causing trouble. You go BOY!
Miss you PJ!
Think about you every day.
Say "hello" to Grandma for me. Love you.
15 days PJ to your two year anniversary..... A co-worker used your name and story with a female he had contact with, a 21 year old heroin user in possession of paraphernalia. She was on her way to her Mom's house. Her Mom had gotten her into a treatment program. She was supposed to check in that day! He asked if she knew you! I got a bit excited, wondering if she knew you..... She didn't..... What was I thinking, a city this size, wondering if one heroin user knew another! He told her your story, she cried a little. Real tears ..... I don't know. I talk about you too, your problems, your death. You'd probably be aghast, us talking about you. Too bad, So sad!!!! Sucks to be you, Sucks to be us!!!
Well..... looks like things quieted down a bit. Even sitting on your great grandmothers buffet at your Mom's house you're causing trouble. Ha.... go figure! Lots of things going on Mr. Mudd, but I suppose you know that!
Eight more days till two years have gone by. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, talk to you, thank you for an occasional green traffic signal light, look at your face in photos, read that lousy report and sit on MY porch swing where I got the news..........
Good Night PJ!
Thanks Sarah. Remember, Keep Your Fork...PJ, you already know - the best is yet to come.
T minus 6.....
Just wishing you were here...tomorrow is 2 years since I last saw you, hugged you, spent time with you, fed you, kissed you goodbye! Hard times are these.
T minus 4
"PJ-Do you want me to come up there and show you where it is?!"
T minus two...... (heavy sigh)
Can't write, just feel...
Unfortunately I'm the first to leave a message on this 2 year mark. Hard to believe it has been that long already. I feel like I just found out. My heart still hurts when I think about all you're missing out on with us. I know things are better for you and you're not in pain. I just wish I could go back and shake you until you realized how much I (we) love you. Do you know that now? I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I feel like I let you down. I thought I was doing the right thing- being tough; letting you know that we were serious this time. If I had tried harder would you still be here? I love you so much.
Just can't stop missing you.
We all miss you P.J. Let your family know we are praying for all of them.
Sorry you missed the roast, potatoes, fruit salad, salads, pie, mousse cake and brownies - hope you know how much we all love you. Even brought "shrimpies" and A-1 in your honor!!
PJ...You will always have a special place in my heart...but then you already know that don't you!!
Hey Mr. Mudd.... another day, another..... day without you around. Family was over...... Didn't think about it till everyone was gone but.... we didn't really talk about .... You! Not good, not bad.... just the way it was. We've all cried so many tears, thought all those thoughts, tried all that bargaining.... but things are the way things are.
We can try and change ourselves, we can work on changing the future but we can't change the past Son.... Much as I want to!
...... First tears I've cried today.... I Love you PJ!
Thank you for helping me understand and notice certain things. Love you.
Two long years
...what if...
alot of people tell me they think of you all the time...and us, too. Good to have friends!
Hey Mr Mudd....been stopping by but haven't left you any notes! Miss you badly. Just sitting here and can't think of much to say at this moment. Lots of thoughts in my mind.... you know them all!
Miss you - so tired.
I really miss you...things going on that you could have helped me with...did you know how much I valued your opinion...
just miss U
Say Happy Birthday to your grandpa, today...WOW, 75 years...know I'm thinking about him and you...
Good Morning Mr. Mudd, You know whats on my mind. Be with me today and always.
Just wishing you were here.
...tired...tired...tired...
same ol' same ol'
..... stand on my porch, I see you sitting there on the swing. I present options to you,.... you don't like them. You walk away down the road....... looking like so many I see walking down my street. Is their story the same as yours?
I made choices, you made choices, we all do. Who would have thought life could be so fucked up! Would you have done things different? We won't know! I would have! Would it have changed things? We won't know!
Another Mothers day come and gone. I've been thinking of you a lot these last few days. Still thinking about all the coulda and shoulda beens. I know, I'm a dreamer. Isn't there a song with those lyrices Mr. Mudd????
Not your kinda music, HUH?
Good Night PJ.
sad, just oh so sad
Love you.
Hey Mr. Mudd,
Summer is here to stay. Hit Squaw Peak today thinking about you. Thought about John Carlson and when you guys would go play ar Granada Park. We never did catch any fish there did we?
Miss You... but you know that!!!
Looks like you'll be able to play some awesome tunes and play some b-ball with one of your favorite players now. Love you.
You are in my thoughts all day today. What's up? Love you.
"don't you see the boy?....the boy with the blue eyes..." have you been visiting Grandma again? Almost every night when she goes to bed... I think it must be you... We all miss you so much. love you PJ!
I want to see the boy with the blue eyes!
Wouldn't we all, (heavy sigh)
I think you keep turning the light on...and on...and on...
Okay, so I found the picture album that had the "new" pics in it...was that what the light was all about? Strange, it went off right after I found it...and stayed off! Love you.
Tears from Heaven....... wiping them away ....still!!
my heart hurts
Birthdays come and go, but yours remains the same...22 is just too young to stop having birthdays...take some of mine and come back and join us for awhile longer...guess that won't happen...but i can always wish...
Hey PJ..... still on our minds! Miss You!
Miss you. You make me laugh, even now! "chippers."
Been talking about you again. Are your ears ringing??
Wish you were here driving YOUR truck around. It makes me sad that it sits alone most of the time...
Thinking a lot about you this week. Lots of time to think about you.
Missing you...know you are visiting Grandma regularly, but stop by here sometime...
Missed you today PJ, every day actually, but even more today. Your part of my reason for being here and me your's!
How did things go so wrong? I forgot to tell you...... Pity party today!
LOVE YOU!!!
You seem to be all around me today, are you?
Busy couple of days up there, huh!
Love You!
Headin' up north soon, wish you were going with us.
Going through my things and found a dvd that wasn't labeled. Popped it into my player and realized it was your movie. From the start of the first song I was crying, sometimes laughing, but mostly crying. I miss you so much. There were so many pictures I had forgotten about. Hearing you strum your guitar in one part brought me to tears again. I've already started to forget what your playing sounded like.
You're missing out on so much- not being here. I've gotten past the "wishing you would somehow call me so I can hear your voice again" phase; the staying up all night crying/heaving/can't breathe phase, and many more - so I know I'm getting better at dealing with you being gone. It still hurts so much. I've been hearing your songs playing a lot lately at different places I've been- and it's comforting, yet hurts my heart to hear them.
Saw a double rainbow a few weeks ago while driving. Also saw the sun's rays shining from behind a cloud. Seeing things like this makes me think of you automatically. Other people may look at things like that and just marvel at them; I see those things and want to believe you're saying "hi" and checking up on all of us. I miss you so much.
I just wonder what all of our lives would be like if you were still here. I like to think that you made it, you did it, all by yourself like you said you would and that you were finding a way to accept your struggles without drugs or alcohol. I don't think everyone would be one big happy family, but at least you were here on earth and I could call you whenever I wanted, and grab you and hug you at any time. It's so hard knowing that I can't do those things- I look at those pictures and I'm so frustrated. There won't be any more to take with you; everything with you is done at 22, but I wasn't ready to be done.
People say everything happens for a reason- what's the reason for this? Why?
WOW, Ditto to all that was written in that last note. I see things also ..... that traffic light that stays green just long enough for me to get through it..... legally. Thanks PJ.... I drive past the Hilton, see their shuttle van on the road... yeah, I'll sometimes speed up, pull up next to it to see if you might be driving... How F_ _ ked up is that PJ :)I wish I could see dead people, wish I could see you one last time.
Someone told me recently that I needed to forgive myself, for what I'm still holding onto. That at 22 years of age you were an adult, making adult choices. That "YOU" don't hold me responsible, that God doesn't even hold me responsible for what happened. That you were simply "on loan" to me, subject to being called back to heaven at a moments notice. I'm trying to work on those thoughts. Maybe you can help me with that PJ. I LOVE YOU!!
I'm sure your big sis would have loved your help right now...even if you don't know the difference between a wrench and a screw driver...HA...thinking about your homemade t-shirt when we were working on Vernon...the one with the big L on it...you always made me laugh even when I was REALLY mad! Love you...miss you!
Just really missing you...
Well, 13 years ago tonight your little sister Samantha was born. It was a happy time for us all, and you welcomed her with open arms.
Everytime we celebrate a family milestone, it's always bittersweet these days. Would have been different having you eat Fondue with us this evening (we wouldn't have said No thanks to the shrimp on the menu like we did for starters!).
Hoping you are watching over Samantha as she makes her way through life. She misses her big brother so much -- she tells us that all the time in her own way.
Nite nite PJ. I know you're here with us, just not the way we all want you to be.
:)
just miss you SO much
Was thinking about you playing basketball at MBA at Madison 1 and at Madison Park. Drove past them both today! Your birthday is coming up...... 25 years.... (Heavy Sigh)
Are you sure that wasn't the NBA at MADISON SQUARE GARDEN with Steve Nash??
Just living life and moving through, enjoying your sisters and trying to make a difference and SLAM right in the face something reminds me of you and this intense pain just rushes through me.
Wow, 3 years since you were hanging out in the back of your dad's truck...how awful a time was that...somehow, even with the pain, I know you are so much better off now. Just wish it could have been different for you. I'm so sorry.
Just caught a glimpse of you in a picture on my desktop...miss you!
Your birthday is just around the corner...I remember where you were 25 years ago...you were supposed to be born TODAY, on Fr. Kelly's birthday...love you.
Just missing you like crazy!
Lots of sighs PJ.
Saw John Carlson last night. He asked about everybody..... Wish he could have asked about you!
PJ..please help your family get through what would have been your 25th birthday. I know they all need to know that you are doing better up there than they are all doing down here. I can't imagine it gets any easier for them but just show them that rainbow..or the sun behind the cloud..or anything to make them remember that while you were only here for such a short time...you loved them as much as they still love you.
Happy Birthday, dear PJ, Happy Birthday to you. Love you so much!!
Happy Birthday PJ...
Happy Birthday Mr. Mudd, 25 years since you came into this world. What was your hurry to leave it? Life has it's daily challenges but just a little time makes them easier to handle. Left your card on top Squaw Peak, yeah I littered. We never made it up there did we? You probably would have whined..... I miss that whine.
Love You! Miss You!
We should be shoveling gravel somewhere together today...remember, seemed like every year some fix-it project landed on your birthday out in the HOT sun...talk about whining...I miss it, too.
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